March 4

Perhaps it's not March 4 in the blogworld yet. It's still March 3 in Dubai. But it's March 4 in India.

Today is the day exactly an year ago, my brother died in an accident - in his car - on the spot - hit by a truck.

I will never know what happened. I wasn't even there. Not to see my brother one last time.  (or his body brought home over 24 hours later because accident too place at a far-off city)

I'm totally haunted by my brother's memories. I miss him so much. My little brother. I was never a good sister. I just want another chance with him and be a good big sis.

Miss you my bro. Until I see you again....Take care 

Happy Birthday 2 baby

Love you my little baby, more than words can ever ever express. Your image reflects in the two priceless gifts you have given us. Since there is no way of knowing where you have gone, I'd like to believe you are with me. Between the smiles of your two brothers, there is a smile which is not seen but only eternally felt...that smile is yours. There's a soft breath and a mild whisper between those of the two little boys, and that is you my sweetest darling baby.

For every kiss I plant on the milk-cheeks of your baby brothers, I'm kissing you a thousand times over baby.

One day, you and I will meet. I will tell you the stories I never got (and will get) a chance to tell. I will hug you so tight that we both will make the world and the rest of the universe disappears in a blur.

Oh, I have to mention. Daddy misses you a lot. He wants to write you a letter, but you know how bad  (worse than me) he is with pen and paper (in this case the blog and the keypad). He's visited a temple (you know he's the religious types), to pray for you.

I don't have to visit a temple to pray for you. You are my God. You have always been,...since you came to this world with that soft cry until you went away silently. Miss you...miss you immensely.

Hope you are having a nice time with your sweetest uncle. Please tell him I love him very much and tell him years will pass quickly and I will come there to join you guys and then we will chat with each other and do the things we never got a chance to do here.

Love
Mommy

Three and a half months

For once, I'm busy in life doing what I wanted to do all along, which is taking care of my babies. My parents and in-laws who were here, left by the end of last month.

So it's just me, just me, just me..and my boys. And their daddy. I cannot even believe sometimes this is happening. Now when strangers see me they comment on what a perfect life I have got; and how lucky I am. It all seems like pure bliss to a random onlooker.

I don't like it is this way. I don't want to go and correct everyone saying, 'Look, it is not what you think. There are deep scars beneath this show of happiness'. Because, what's the point? 

I don't think they would understand now, when they failed to understand then.

I still wonder where the two beautiful people are...my little Vitu, and my kid brother. To console myself, I keep asking my one twin at times when he's looking at me, 'you are my little Vitu right?' I tell my husband that from whatever little I can recollect, our little Vitu looks like this baby. So, it must be him. Once again, I yearn to see my little Vitu, at least a picture of him. I should have seen and held him before he left. That regret will never go. It pains my heart so deeply.

Otherwise, we are 'okay'. Most importantly, twins are okay. Doctors have told us we have done a good job raising them, considering they were so wee tiny when born. So we must be 'happy'.

Love to all.

Babies

I delivered twin boys weighing about 1700 and 1800 gms on 7th June. They came home after a week's time in nicu. One of them has issues still with feeding but my husband and I are trying our best. It's scary at times when he vomits suddenly, or when he shows some difficulty in breathing. We are trying to hang on and take each hour as it comes. One would wonder why am I not announcing the arrival of my babies in the most euphoric tone. I'm thinking it's because the reality hasn't sunk in yet. I still cannot believe I have children, living, at home. That someone's really going to call us momma and daddy. That the uncertainty that lingered on for months has ended (?). That finally, finally we have closure over something at last (?). We are indescribably grateful for these babies.Im so indebted to my OB, the fellow blm mommas, all readers of this blog, few compassionate friends who supported me during my pregnancy, God, universe...I'm sure everyone's well meant wishes somehow contributed to me having my babies. But how I wish few things which happened in the last few months, actually didn't happen. My brother. I shed tears for him everyday. I miss him so much. What a terrible end for him. If he were here today, I would have phoned him and told him about my babies. I constantly wonder where he's now. Miss him. Beyond words can ever express. A fellow blm mom who according to me is a great human being and although I know her only over the Internet, I know that she's such a deserving mom. How could she have lost her rainbow so cruelly, tragically! I can never fathom. We all started our journey after losing our babies around the same time. How I wish everyone got an happy ending like me. Last but not the least, names for the twins. I have named one baby after my first son little Vitu and another after my late brother. I'm trying to be a less bitter, and a better human being. I'm still trying to forgive myself (for so many things I haven't even mentioned here). I'm trying to find ways to maintain my sanity and carry on with this life given to me.

I'm still here

Im still here; although I haven't been exactly prompt in writing comments. While I'm very happy for all the BLMs who got their rainbows recently, I'm infinitely sad for dear Becky. I mean, what happened to her has challenged my belief in 'life' altogether. Not that I now had huge expectations from life or it's generally assumed goodness but this is beyond all boundaries of comprehension. There is no word in my dictionary which would describe such a tragedy. I'm still miraculously pregnant. It baffles me because there isn't a single complication that I haven't been put through. In March and April, I visited the Emergency several times due to unwarranted spotting. I was convinced that my cerclage was giving away. In May, so far, I've been admitted to hospital on two occasions; once for 3 nights; another time,4 nights. First time, I had severe stomach pain which was sourced to UTI. I have a sort of national record in UTI where I've tested positive for infection at least 6-7 time in this pg. Second time, I had some serious preterm contractions. They could stop it with medicines after some effort. My mother came here two weeks ago. Although the pain of household chores and cooking is transferred to her, there's an unfathomable grief lingering around. My little brother's death. Its hard for me to share this here, because the whole thing is complicated , but all was not well between us (me and my parents) and my brother at the time of his death. In fact, things were not well since 2009. He was such a sweet boy until then but in 2009, he stopped coming to my parents' house, stopped calling them or me, and started living with a woman and her parents in a different town. He secretly married her and got a little baby soon after. That had hurt my parents, especially my father, who brought us up through many hardships. They had hoped that they could spend their old-age reveling in the success and happiness of their well-educated, succesful children, but that was not to be. He exchanged emails with me once in a while and I was hoping to go and see him after my baby's birth in 2010. But things took an ugly turn when my baby suddenly died. I was very offended by something his 'wife' told me then, that I lashed at my brother instead. (because I didn't know his 'wife' at all). I told him all kind of things and everything was justified according to me because I had lost my baby and he was living a 'happy' life immune from our grief. I constantly thought of him during the last one year, and fumed that he hadn't supported his sister during her tragedy. In the last one and a half years, he never called us. I had called him once but he had ignored my call. The only news that came from him was about his death in the car accident; he had died on spot after colliding with a truck. In a place which is 12 hours away by road from my parents' house. My father left as soon as he got the phone call. It took more than 24 hours to bring his body home to perform the funeral rites. So my parents were waiting to see him and after two years they see him like that. I couldn't travel because of cerclage, so I didnt get to see him at all. He was cremated in the open air crematorium that stands by the river at some distance from my house. In our society,customarily, an elder son lits his parents' funeral pyre when they die. Now of course, thats not going to happen in my parents' case. I live in terrible guilt and depression. I almost believe that my harsh attitude towards my brother killed him. He was such a sweet boy, we were there for each other always. He had carried his mild, sweet smile from his childhood into his adulthood. I want to go back in time and speak to him, hug him and kiss him once. My poor brother. I want to picturise a scene where he and my little Vitu are holding hands and walking by the seaside, but I cannot get through the day without crying or feeling guilty about everything. I'm majorly suffering from survivor's guilt too. I wish things were different. And I had a chance to know what was going to come. Now, I just have to wait to die and meet my sweet brother.

My brother

I didn't have a chance to look at everyone's blogs in the past couple weeks due to a tragedy in my family - a tragedy I never saw coming. Hope everyone is well.

On March 4, my young brother died in a car crash in India. He would have turned 29 in April this year. A very intelligent, hardworking, soft spoken, well behaved boy. He was always a quiet and mild child. A most loved son of my parents and loved by the whole family.

In 16 months, this is the second unimaginable loss am going through. I have managed to outlive my baby and a little brother. It feels so surreal to think that he will never come home again, we will never see him or speak to him. There will be never a phone call or an email coming from him.

I can never forget his sweet smile. My brother didn't deserve to die like this.

After the cerclage

I didnt want to come back and write a negative post, especially after my cerclage, but somehow hoping I will feel better after doing it. This pregnancy has been anything but smooth. First 10 weeks were spent under the scare of Ovarian Hyerstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), next few weeks worrying about pressure on cervix, extreme tiredness and serving my notice period at work. When I thought quitting my job and the cerclage will give me some peace, it hasn't been exactly so.

While my cerclage was placed successfully, the subsequent week hasn't been uneventful. I spotted everyday after the cerclage for a week. This freaked me out although the OB said some light spotting is normal. Yesterday, I noticed a thrush down there with reddening and swelling, and even pimples , so went to my OB. We spotted a nasty blood clot trapped inside my v, which was the source of spotting. Finally, spotting issue was resolved. Thankfully, babies and the cervical stich look fine.

But the pain due to yeast infection continues. And at times, it's really painful. I finished two cycles of antibiotics for a UTI that was detected couple weeks ago, they are testing me again this week to see if it's resolved. I have no idea why all these different kinds of infections love me. One can only guess how dangerous these infections are with a cerclage in place.

I try telling my husband that as long as babies are healthy and fine, the physical pain I ay have to go through due to infections is nothing. But as long as the infections are not harming the babies. And who can assure me of this? No one. Everything lays on some unseen hope. I lurk around some pregnancy forums where stupid (sorry, but thats what I was once), ignorant ladies who have no clue what a difficult pregnancy is (pregnancy loss is beyond their realm of imagination), discuss about stupid things - Like clothes, their weight increase by few grams, their change of taste in food, their adventures with baby shopping....

It gets on to me at times. I feel sad that am having such a difficult pregnancy where I cannot even be sure of one more day being pregnant, forget about nine full months.

Am trying to be hopeful. But it's so hard.

Cerclage Tomorrow

At just over 16 weeks tomorrow, am going to have a cerclage placed. In the last couple weeks, I switched my OB. I was with an OB earlier who is considered high risk specialist, and she was very calm and nice however, I felt her a little less proactive. I went to see another high risk OB and loved her instantly because she appeared totally totally proactive. She strongly recommended a cerclage and monitored by cervix at every visit transvaginally. She noticed that my cervix appears slightly bent. Over a period of 10 days, it had also marginally gone down from 3 cm to 2.85 cm.

I waited to finish my work, which was last Thursday to have the surgery scheduled. So that I can go on immediate bed rest. To be honest, am totally terrified of the cerclage surgery. They will be using a spinal Anastasia; last time I had it for my emergency c-section. You all know how that story had ended.

This pregnancy has been nerve-wrecking so far. And to think that am not even half way through technically. It's very hard to believe all will be well. I do want to dream of a future. A happy, normal family with my children and husband..I find it so hard. Many years ago, I'd read a book called 'A monk who sold his Ferrari', where the writer says something like everything has two occurrences. There is one real image and one virtual image everything. So if you'd like something to happen in real life, you need to visualize it first in your imagination. In your brain's imaging ability. I try to visualize a life with children. It's so hard. Just so hard.

In India, I often came across a group of people, even little children, doing rope-walking on the streets. They don't do it for entertainment but rather to earn a living. This pregnancy has been, and continues to be such an act. My husband and I are constantly rope-walking. And we both are not enjoying this but quite terrified.

Please wish me that this cerclage thing goes smoothly and the cerclage does exactly what it's meant to do and not something adverse. I need all your kind wishes. Badly.

Love to all.

Need to vent

I have gone missing from this blog which I primarily started as a way to vent and to talk about my baby to someone who is listening. Because the entire world was deaf to my grief.

Although I still remain pregnant, I miss my baby son very much. There is not a day that passes by without the thoughts of my lovely baby. Oh, how I wish he were here now. It still feels strange that he's gone. I don't believe I will ever stop feeling that way.

My current pregnancy is staying put although everyday is dragging like an age. I would want to go to sleep now and wake up in June. Okay, at least in May, where I will get as far as I got last time. But even May seems too too far off. It seems like here lies a great ocean that I need to cross before getting to May.

I was told no need for a cerclage to be put in by my high risk OB because my cervix showed a normal 3.5 cm length, however, was advised by the fertility specialist who did my IUI to go for one. For preventive purposes. Am inclined to go for one as well but not sure about the risks they frequently speak about like an infection or something.

Am quitting my job at the end of this month to be able to rest at home. Am extremely tired most days anyway but more than that, want to give myself best chances to work this thing out. I feel like this is my last chance, and if this didn't work, I wouldn't know what next to do. In spite of being there once already, my mind is incapable to imagining another heartbreaking loss, or losses.

With my job I lose my maternity cover too. Hence am forced to go for an external maternity cover with obscene premium amount. That way, because am pregnant already and insurance company will need to fleece me now. And another special cover for a micropremie nicu expenses because the high risk OB suggested I get that cover too. Scares me really.

We ended up getting a bank loan to support our insurance costs because the savings from our last year's job were already diverted into something else and we didn't have much money left.

So its a scary situation to be out of work with just my husband earning and left alone to pay the bills and loan installments, but this is no where close to how scary (and also horrific) the situation can get if things go wrong again. Is there anyone or anything that can grant me a boon? Like a special exemption? Please, let me get through this, this one time. Let me be forgiven for whatever ill I have done to anyone in this life or my past lives and let me be allowed to sail through this and get to the shore. This one time. Please.

I feel really better after stating where I stand. Emotionally & Financially. 

I wish all moms pregnant with their rainbows get to the end and take their little ones home.

And all moms trying again, get their BFP's at the soonest.

Thanks for listening.

Merry Christmas to all

It's Christmas eve here and I would like to wish everyone a very merry Christmas.

Let the coming year be better for all of us than the one that's just going past. Please.

Much love to all...

After one year...

Thanks to all blms who left sweet comments for my last post. Its really so hearteneing to hear your kind, understanding words..am very thankful for that. You are the only ones who constantly remind me that am not completely alone in this world filled with dread..and that feeling has helped me to keep going...

Today is one year exactly since my boy said bye. Last year, until yesterday, he was fine. He fell sick today morning. He struggled with breathing for many hours after which doctors finally took a notice, put him on ventilator, his condition worsened. He had a grade 3 brain bleed. His heart collapsed and he passed. I was in the hospital when all this happened, but I wasn't by his side. I was in that stupid room of mine worrying and refusing to believe what was happening. I didn't do anything for my baby as his mother. I delievered him prematurely - that's the only thing I did.

Even when my dad came and said my baby was no more, I didn't cry. I have this inability to cry at moments like this. For many hours, I just couldn't cry. I sat there like stone without wanting to look at my baby, thinking about myself. I had only one memory of seeing him. When he was healthy five days ago. Such a beautiful baby. I thought i couldn't look at his lifeless body now. I thought I wouldn't bear it. I was only keen on protecting myself. I'm normally quite a self centered person but that day I probably crossed all limits.

I can recall now, after those immediate moments when my baby died, my heart was so frozen; more than my baby, I was thinking about myself only. How am I going to live through this? How am I going to survive this? It was all about myself (and my husband).

It actually took me a few hours to realize that my little sweet baby was dead, and was going to be buried. His life was over and was a closed chapter. He would never see days filled with sunshine or never have a chance to grow up into a big boy and an adult like all normal babies do. He would never get to do the fun things. He was past already.

Nobody wanted to speak about him. This world runs on the 'survival of the fittest' theory; and many decided that he wasn't fit, hence he didn't survive. Most felt that is how justice is delievered.

I did not hold my son and kiss him. I may have not been a good momma, but I want to say that I love him a lot. Really. He's the only thing who is in my heart always.

I ask this question everyday, which am sure every blm asks - 'why did my baby have to die?'

My sweet little baby. Miss him so much.

The scan

I have been debating whether I should be posting this update. Because, it seems so unreal, far- fetched. It feels like a dream where you know you are dreaming and know that this wont be there when you wake up. It's all a big lie.

I'm scared to post this because it feels like a big lie. And it's only a matter of time before it will be revealed to me.

I have not spoken about this to anyone in my real life. My parents know because they are with us here now. Am not planning to tell this to my brother either, or in-laws.

Okay, so the news is, today at the scan, we saw not one but two sacs. With two heartbeats. One measured 6w3d, and another 6w1d. One's heartbeat was at 118, another's, I didn't hear what doctor said. To be brutally honest, this possibility had crossed my mind after I discovered OHSS, and the high HCG. But somehow, I didn't expect to see two beans there today.

I have never imagined myself as a twin momma. Even now, even if I force my mind, it's impossible to see any such fantasy. I truly don't believe this can happen. After being at the receiving end for such a long time, it's impossible to believe good things will happen to me.

But I wanted to share the news here. After the scan at the fertility clinic, I made a call to the high risk OB who I have started seeing. When I told her the news, she asked me 'if they checked my cervix length?' I said no. She has asked me to come over this weekend to check this. I will be discussing with her my issues with leaking water. I'm leaking few drops of water everyday from my 'v' area. Colorless, odorless, few drops. It started soon after IUI. The infertility specialist thinks such discharge is normal but I don't believe him.

So I have more than one reason to not believe what's happening with me, correct?

I want to find some rays of light

Am a bit depressed since past few days. I lived through my baby's birthday trying to go on, waiting for the day to get over..which mom would wait for her son's birthday to just get over?

I did. That kind of woman i am. My heart is broken like glass and sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I just don't feel it...

On Saturday, my parents arrived here. They are visiting us for a short period. The only news they brought with them was the death of a close uncle. He had gone missing from his sister's home 10 days ago where he stayed because he was never married. He had multiple health issues like weak kidneys which needed frequent dialysis and had retired recently from his job. The family registered a missing complaint with police. Three days after he went missing, his body was found floating in the river, 10 miles from where he lived. He had apparently thrown himself into the river on the same day he was discovered to be missing and his body was washed away in the downstream current and found by some fishermen at a place 10 miles away. He had to be recognized by the shirt he had worn.

I have never spoken about my family much in this blog, but I have to admit that my extended family is quite a nut case. I'm not just deeply saddened by my uncle sad, sad death but am appalled by the circumstances that forced him to take his own life. He was not mentally ill or something. True, his health was bad. But what forced him to kill himself was the obvious lack of empathy and care from people whom he had cared for in his better days. He felt so unwanted that he decided to end it all. I couldn't sleep all night yesterday and I kept thinking about my uncle's dying thoughts..what must have been going on in his mind before he took the last plunge..

Today I returned from work. I don't know what gotten into me, but I opened FB. Two people's profiles interested me. A friend with whom I have absolutely not been touch with since my baby died, had posted pictures of her baby. The baby looked almost an year old and they had gone on a trip to South Africa. I wondered how could she have an year old boy baby, because as far as I know, she wasn't pregnant last year ( when I was). I did some more probing, located pics of the newborn baby, checked the date of congratulatory messages..OMG! The baby was born in June this year, and it looks so big!

In that case, my son would have looked like a teenager no?

Another profile I saw was of a long lost friend from college. She is not on my list of FB friends but her profile was flashing as a mutual friend. She stood there smiling in her profile pic with an almost adolescent looking girl. Her daughter must be at least 6 or 7 years old.

Honestly, am depressed by all the things. I may sound weird, but every glance of what other have reminds me of what I could also have had, but now just don't.

It's depressing and the thing is I don't want to be depressed. I know I will not be getting over my uncle's death for a long time, but I don't want to be depressed by what I see in stupid FB. I know, I should stop looking at FB, but now that I already have, and have brought on myself this wave of depression, is there any way to escape this?

And now, I may have not even gone for my first u/s scan, and I don't know where I stand, but am severely worried and depressed that something could go wrong terribly this time too. And I will be left behind again, left to pick up the pieces, like last time. I get somewhere, and then lose it all and start from scratch again..

I really don't want to think like this. I want to look forward for things. Believe that my husband I too will be happy some day. I want to help myself, but as of now, I just don't know how.

Birthday

My baby was born at 8.43 PM on November 18, last year. He cried when he was picked up by the doctor from my stomach, and I heard the OB making a comment that 'he didn't look bad at all'. I could say from the tone of her voice that she was referring to his weight..1.6 kgs, he was just 30 weeks and 3 days old, and most babies put on weight only in the last final weeks of gestation.I kept asking the doctors who sewed me, 'how's the baby?'. They said, 'he's fine now. Let's see what happens'.

He was whisked by the neonatologist into the nicu, and my husband was the only one who saw him on the way. Our son was apparently crying at the top of his voice as the doctor carried him into nicu; this gave an impression to my H that he was perfectly fine. So, as I was shifted to the recovery room , he came running to me. I asked him, how's our baby? My husband gladly said 'he's fine'. It's only next day the neonatalogist explained to my husband and my dad that our son was quite sick.

If I had been lucky enough to keep my son alive, he would be one today. We would have had a grand party to celebrate. All the people, the ones who care for us and even ones whom our tragedy has bothered least, would come over and wish our baby today. My husband would be so proud of our handsome, gorgeous son. For me, they would be the two absolute loves of my life. When I were still pregnant with my son, at about 6 months, I used to wonder how do I hold all the happiness that was coming my way. To think that it's quite the opposite now.

My sweet son may not be in my arms today, but honestly i see him always.I fantasize my son watching TV with us propped on the couch, complaining to me about his dad when his dad missed gym, running to hug us at the slightest provocation....

Although I cannot give anything to my son today, I wish that wherever he is, he is happy. And doing fantastic. And there will be a day in future when my son, his daddy and I, will be together. We will live like one happy family and our hearts will be filled with nothing but love.

Until that day, my wait continues.....

My IUI Update

On 25th October, I had my IUI. I had resigned myself that this first attempt may not take me anywhere, and was just pushing through the days that followed. I was asked to be on aspirin and progestrone supplements, and test for a positive pregnancy 15 days followinng the IUI. I certainly didn't have much hopes. Bracing against the terrible outcome, constantly by expecting it and being prepared was my ruling motto.

Around 9 days past IUI, I was in my office and noticed that my stomach was more bulged than ever. This always happens with me. Just before the periods start. I knew what was coming. The bulge was huge and more than what happens every month, but that was an unmistaken indication of what was going to happen. There was going to no positive pregnancy this time. Just a stupid period as a reward for all the pains and wait.

The period however didn't come. It wasn't time yet. Day 10 after IUI, the bulge increased. It was enormous and my husband could see it through my clothes and was perplexed. I looked as huge as I were when last pregnant with my baby. Seven months and few days. Could it be gas? My routine remained fine. I didn't suffer from constipation, so what was in this protruding belly. We waited through day 11. On Day 12, I booked an appointment with a Gyn (as my fertility clinic was closed for Eid), and she detected huge amounts of water in my belly and saw gigantic ovaries with multiple large follicles. According to her, all my organs were floating in water.

Why would such a thing happen? She heard me through my IUI story and when I told her I had many many follicles ready just before they gave an injection to trigger ovulation, her eyes sparked. Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - that's what they call it. She asked me to go and see my fertility clinic as soon as thhey open next day. But before she let me go, she took my blood sample for a beta hcg test.

An hour later, I called her to find out the result of the test. Again bracing myself for the bad news. Unbelievably, the results were not what I thought. For 12 days dpo, my beta hcg was around 280. Pretty high. Even higher than the normal range. Which means my IUI worked! Its hard to believe! Almost impossible. I have rarely had anything work for me in the first attempt. This IUI was somehow supposed to fail and I was to be doomed but strangely, it has worked.

My husband has a smile on his face after months. Apparently, he was more hopeful than me. If the IUI had failed, he would have been crushed. If the IUI had failed, I would have been left with nursing two broken hearts. One my own. Another my husband's.

IUI has worked but not without the 'gift' of OHSS. I google and find out that beta hcg can trigger a late onset of OHSS. So, that explained it. I had some OHSS due to injections - pregnancy just added fire to it.

I went to the fertility clinic the following day. The doctor saw me first thing and was clearly worried. No one had bothered me to educate me in advance about this disease. They administered shots and triggers without comprehending how I were responding to it. My ovaries had responded TOO well. And now they were double their original size. Doctor said he wouldn't drain the water but wait till next day. Next day, I met him again and he saw that water hadn't increased. So I was going to wait out until OHSS subsides on its own.

Actually, nothing much can be done about OHSS once it starts. My biggest concern was whether it will interfere with pregnancy and doctor said 'no'. I have no choice but to trust him. My belly is reducing in size. Am asked to drink loads of water and never never take bedrest but keep walking around to avoid blood clots.

So am still here and sorry for my long silence. As of now, there is a silver lining although not without worries. For 20 dpo, my hcg is still high. 3200, when the range is 500-2500. But am trying to be hopeful that this is my baby. This is what I have been waiting for. Please. Let me have my happiness this time. Let someone not snatch it from me. So am just living on some hopes now...

Wish me luck

Just a few days shy of eleven months since my baby died, my H and I are going for an IUI. I agree, IUI is a very common procedure these days, and many women go for it, but what surprises me is that I didn't have to be here. I should have been in my home instead spending time with the gorgeous boy who woud be turning one next month.

What have I done to be here?

Am setting foot into the zone I have never been before. Tuesday is my IUI, and am finding it so hard to skip office and go for various scans and everything. And to think that this is just the beginning of the journey. No one knows where the end is. Or if there is really one. And to think that I shouldn't have been taking this trip at all. I already had a baby. He was born without me having to go through any procedures, and was a gift. And to think that I lost that precious gift and have to start all over again. Not from the same place that I started last time, but few steps further behind.

Please wish that something works for me. Something at last.

Close to eleven months

In another 5 days we'll hit the eleven months milestone of our baby's birth. He was born on an unsuspecting Thursday, much to everyone's shock. He beat all odds and showed tremendous improvement only to lose it all after eleven days. In fact, the day he left us, we lost everything. He was all we had.

So what do I have eleven months after that fateful day?

- Clearly, I don't have my pretty baby. My arms are empty. The crib is non-existent. My house is void of  baby cries and laughters. Of course I can hear a lot of noises made by the neighbours' babies.
- Am not pregnant. Empty womb. But a heavy heart filled with immeasurable sadness and despair.

So that's pretty much where I am after eleven months. Exactly an year ago, this time last year, I was on the moon. I was eagerly waiting for my maternity break. I was preparing for the approaching period of immeasurable joy and happiness.

Instead, am here today. Is this self pity? Or is it just truth? Am confused at times. Will someone else in my place will be as sad as me? Or am I exaggerating my miseries?

I mentioned here before that I was planning to go to a grief counsellor. But sadly, I figured out I cannot see them because they are so expensive. Mental health is not covered by insurance. I cannot afford them coupled with the expenses of my infertility treatments.

At times, I try to think of people who are doing much worse than me. People who lose their children when they are past middle age and are left with no living children. Who are left to wrap up their old age and diminishing lives all by themselves.

Other times, am mad at everyone and everything for what I'm going through. I just cannot find a way to stop my tears.

Can I say some truths today?

I recently read a travel write-up penned by a friend. She shared it with me to read and give some feedback on her writing style.

This friend is one of the few friends who phoned me and made attempts to meet with me after my baby died. Although, she herself has never had any idea about what grief means. She is someone whose life has been a perfect water color painting and continues to be so. Perfect parents, perfect childhood, perfect husband, money, social friends ...everything. Whenever she called me after my baby died, her talks surrounded on how to bounce back in life. Her advises included telling me to go to meditation sessions, go to dinners, to toastmaster's club..etc. She never acknowledged the death of my baby ever in conversations, because I assume, she has no idea about my loss. She thinks it's just a small mishap and can be overcome; and because she has such a wonderful life herself, I don't want to judge her.

Her write up was about a road trip she took with her friends on December 2nd last year. No one has to remind me where I were on this day. It was the 4th day after my baby had died. And if there was to be a hell on earth, I was in such a hell. She had explained in great depths about how fabulous her trip was. On the day my baby died, November 29th, she with her husband and few other friends had visited my husband in Dubai to offer condolences. Three days later, she had gone on this terrific trip.

Of course, I don't expect her to stay at home and 'mourn' my baby's death. On the other hand, this made me sit back and think how I reacted when I heard something tragic happened with my friends. A few years ago, before I were married, one Saturday I was getting ready to go to office. It wasn't a regular working day, we had some celebrations in the office. I was supposed to be a part of a fashion show and a group dance. I remembered my best friend who lived in a different city that morning, wanted to check on her, so gave her a call. She answered the call, and gave me the news that 3 days ago, her 20 year old brother died in a drowning accident. I was totally shocked. I wept on the phone. Called my father to share this terrible mews. I couldn't take my mind off my friend 's tragedy for the rest of the day. In fact, it's been 6 years since that boy died and I still, often think about him. I think about how my friend and her parents are living their lives without him, and I cannot tell you how sorry I feel. How unfair I find the whole thing.

But on that day, the day when I got the news of that boy's untimely death, I went to work. I took part in that fashion show, in that dance...I told all the people around me about my friend's tragedy but that hadn't stopped me from being a part of their celebrations. I didn't feel like withdrawing because it wasn't my brother who had died by drowning, it was my friend's brother.

Times changed, the clock turned the full cycle, and am at the other end of the cycle now. At the receiving end.

HSG

As planned, I met doctor  # 3. Doctor #3 (actually, if you count my original Gyn whom I saw soon after my baby died, this is doctor # 4 for me in the past 6 months; but anyway..) suspected that my tubes might be blocked; because I had a premature rupture of membranes with my first pregnancy - and asked me to go for a HSG. I called the Radiology Center for an appointment; and was asked to come prepared for the HSG - after having taken a voltarene 100 mg tab before the actual examination. I drove to the pharmacy just the night before my scheduled HSG and that's where I learnt that the voltarene is actually an analgesic. Something to give relief from pain? That's what the pharmacist told me and that's when I realised that the HSG process can be painful.

That made me go back and read up the stuff on the internet. The things about the dye being placed in a catheter and injected  into the cervix canal to flow through the tubes. I know I have been through a c-section before but the knowledge that this procedure would be done with me fully awake got me up a worried a bit. I went to bed thinking about what was going to happen the next day. I didn't tell about my fears to my husband because I didn't want to worry him.

On the appointed day, we drove to the Radiology Center. I hadn't taken the voltarene oral tablet so they gave me a soluble tablet instead. We waited. the nurse called me in and asked my husband to wait outside. I was asked to change into the x-ray robe and lay down on the cold x-ray table. The nurse who was preparing the room asked me questions like whether I had a baby before etc. and I had to tell her that my baby died. She gave me some sympathetic words, and tried to make me relax saying the procedure took only a couple of minutes and I shouldn't experience any other pain except for period like cramping. I was asked to sleep in a posture suitable for the doctors to carry out the procedure.

A lady doctor walked in. I believe the instrument she put on me was similar to the one used for pap smear. Then she began injecting the dye. For some strange reason, the dye wouldn't go through. After struggling with the stuff for some time and multiple attempts to inject the dye, she sent in for a senior doctor. My legs were now shaking uncontrollably. The nurse asumed that I was panicking and screamed at me to relax. I told her I was relaxed, the position my legs were placed in were making me shake. I told myself again and again. Yes, I'm relaxed. A stupid procedure like this cannot scare me. Am stronger than this and am relaxed. But now my for some reason my hands were shaking too.

The senior doctor tried a few times to inject the dye. For this, they made me slide down to the edge of the x-ray table. I had to slide up to the center of the table because the camera was mounted there. When they would switch on the camera, they'd realize that the dye wasn't passing. Then they'd make me slide down again to poke and probe. I had done this sliding exercises at least fifteen times now. Each time I had felt the sharp thing moving up and down inside me but somehow it wans't working. I prayed that this ordeal ended soon.

Finally, the doctor succeeded. He said that the dye is passing now and I lay down motionless on that x-ray table for them to take enough pictures of my tubes and the uterus. Instead of holding and playing with my ten month old baby I'm lying on that cold, icy table getting poked and probed by so many hands. I wished it wasn't like this. That this was just a bad dream. That my baby were alive still and we were watching a cartoon on the TV in my living room. This room and me on this ruthless x-ray table - this can't be true , right? I want to cry but the tears wouldn't come.

When I walked out I found my super worried husband. I was gone for almost an hour for a procedure that is supposed to take just a few minutes and he was worried.

Am yet to see the infertility specialist with my HSG report. From what I can understand from the report is that my tubes are patent. However, there are adhesions, smearing blah blah...

I wish there will be an end to all this. I don't know really how much more I can take.

This weekend

Today is the first day of our weekend. The only call my husband got on his cell was of a friend announcing that his wife delivered a baby girl yesterday. I haven't met this friend or his wife in the past 2 years. My husband spoke to him on phone last year around same time perhaps, and we had then broken our 'good news' and invited him & his wife to our house, but he had some reason for not accepting our invitation, like he was busy or something. Since that day, today was his first call. He didn't even know that we had gone on to lose our baby. Strangely, he had never bothered to call us, or didn't get our news from common friends. So today my husband had to share with him on phone our sad news when he gave us his happy one. Such a contrast - the places we and him are in right now.

Last year around this time I remember a discussion my husband and I were having. We were talking about how we were one of the first people in his friends' circle having a baby. Its a different thing that the others were married much later than us and were even younger. It was not as if we were proud or something, but we were very happy. I had really believed then that I was going to have my baby. It had never really struck me that my baby would actually die or something could go that terribly wrong.

This year is quite different. We are getting calls from others now. May be there are more calls to come. And my husband and I are left way behind in this journey. We have become the hare in the race. Its sad. It really sad.

It's almost fourth month of trying and sadly I don't have much to share. I'm going to see a new infertility specialist on Sunday and am really worried about this meeting. Am kind of disillusioned already by going to different doctors and repeating my story to them. Every time I go to a new doc I build up lot of hopes and somehow see all those hopes go crashing after sometime. For different reasons. The first doctor I met few months ago asked me not to even try till the end of this year and the second doctor was very much okay with me trying but kind of hinted that I should try on my own and see her only after am pregnant. That's because she's only a high risk OB, and not an infertility specialist. 

So that leaves me with the third doc that I'd be seeing on Sunday. And even though I don't want to, I'm getting very hopeful again. Am hoping that this doctor will have a magic wand and can solve all my problems. But sadly, that doesn't happen in reality. At least such things have never happened with me.

Wish everyone a good weekend.