Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Close to eleven months

In another 5 days we'll hit the eleven months milestone of our baby's birth. He was born on an unsuspecting Thursday, much to everyone's shock. He beat all odds and showed tremendous improvement only to lose it all after eleven days. In fact, the day he left us, we lost everything. He was all we had.
So what do I have eleven months after that fateful day?

- Clearly, I don't have my pretty baby. My arms are empty. The crib is non-existent. My house is void of  baby cries and laughters. Of course I can hear a lot of noises made by the neighbours' babies.
- Am not pregnant. Empty womb. But a heavy heart filled with immeasurable sadness and despair.

So that's pretty much where I am after eleven months. Exactly an year ago, this time last year, I was on the moon. I was eagerly waiting for my maternity break. I was preparing for the approaching period of immeasurable joy and happiness.

Instead, am here today. Is this self pity? Or is it just truth? Am confused at times. Will someone else in my place will be as sad as me? Or am I exaggerating my miseries?

I mentioned here before that I was planning to go to a grief counsellor. But sadly, I figured out I cannot see them because they are so expensive. Mental health is not covered by insurance. I cannot afford them coupled with the expenses of my infertility treatments.

At times, I try to think of people who are doing much worse than me. People who lose their children when they are past middle age and are left with no living children. Who are left to wrap up their old age and diminishing lives all by themselves.

Other times, am mad at everyone and everything for what I'm going through. I just cannot find a way to stop my tears.


  1. I know how all that feels,( the empty lives, the empty house, the empty womb) I wish I could change it for you and for me.

  2. I'm sorry that the counseling isn't going to work out. Use your blog to get your feelings out... I know it's not a licensed person to hear your problems, but we're here to be your sounding board.

    Also, I read your comment on my post. I was in the same boat you're in a few months ago, really struggling with not getting pregnant. I'm not really sure what happened. I still struggle with the fact that I'm not pregnant, but for some reason, I think I am managing my worries a little better than I was a few months ago. I worry all the time that Drew will be my only full-term baby, but I guess I've just had to keep telling myself that if this is true, there are other ways for me to be a mom to living children, even if me getting pregnant doesn't go as planned. That doesn't make it that much easier, but it does a little.... I think.

    Hang in there. Hopefully this month is your month and you'll start to feel a little better bit by bit :)

  3. It is not self pity. You have every right to be sad and upset still. Missing Vitu with you.

  4. I am sorry to hear that counseling thingy didnt work. I pray that everything should start getting from here on. Hang in there;

  5. I grew up with two social workers as parents. Unfortunately I have been grieving almost my entire life since my mom passed when I was six.
    It sucks that some people just keep having all the horrible things happen to them while some people seem to have it all. It is merciless.

    If you feel that you need professional help, by all means, do what you can to get it. I know here in CA there are walk in clinics who have psychologists with a sliding fee payment program. You may want to ask around for something like that. Maybe even a group on child loss in person would help you?

    But in the meantime you are surrounded by women who have experienced something similar to you.
    You can use us to help you find coping skills. That's what I have been doing. So far I have learned how healing it is to talk to women like you who face this pain every single day.

    I am so sorry what happened to you and Vitu. Words can not express how sorry I am.
    Its unfair and unwarranted, heart breaking and earth shattering.
    My heart is with you.

  6. I often feel so guilty when I read blogs of other Moms who have lost their babys and have no living children. But even with my boys I can say that I relate to everything you say. My boys are older and Braedon was going to my last child. My last attempt at being a Mommy to a new little one. I hate that we have empty arms and no babies to hold. I wanted my son so much and I can tell by the way you write that your boy was your whole world.
    I to have contemplated the whole greif counselor but I honestly can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to see pity in someone else's eyes. But here in this world online I have found a form of counseling. I am still sad and I still cry but it gives me a connection when I read what others have wrote. I have just started back on the TTC road and it is all so scary. I have this feeling that we will be making this journey for quite sometime.
    It is all just so unfair and sad and wrong and well just plainy crappy.
    I am sorry your baby is not in your arms right now. I wish I had better words to offer. I always find myself at such a loss because honestly there is no right words when you heart is broken.
    Sending love,