Thursday, January 12, 2012
Need to vent
I have gone missing from this blog which I primarily started as a way to vent and to talk about my baby to someone who is listening. Because the entire world was deaf to my grief.
Although I still remain pregnant, I miss my baby son very much. There is not a day that passes by without the thoughts of my lovely baby. Oh, how I wish he were here now. It still feels strange that he's gone. I don't believe I will ever stop feeling that way.
My current pregnancy is staying put although everyday is dragging like an age. I would want to go to sleep now and wake up in June. Okay, at least in May, where I will get as far as I got last time. But even May seems too too far off. It seems like here lies a great ocean that I need to cross before getting to May.
I was told no need for a cerclage to be put in by my high risk OB because my cervix showed a normal 3.5 cm length, however, was advised by the fertility specialist who did my IUI to go for one. For preventive purposes. Am inclined to go for one as well but not sure about the risks they frequently speak about like an infection or something.
Am quitting my job at the end of this month to be able to rest at home. Am extremely tired most days anyway but more than that, want to give myself best chances to work this thing out. I feel like this is my last chance, and if this didn't work, I wouldn't know what next to do. In spite of being there once already, my mind is incapable to imagining another heartbreaking loss, or losses.
With my job I lose my maternity cover too. Hence am forced to go for an external maternity cover with obscene premium amount. That way, because am pregnant already and insurance company will need to fleece me now. And another special cover for a micropremie nicu expenses because the high risk OB suggested I get that cover too. Scares me really.
We ended up getting a bank loan to support our insurance costs because the savings from our last year's job were already diverted into something else and we didn't have much money left.
So its a scary situation to be out of work with just my husband earning and left alone to pay the bills and loan installments, but this is no where close to how scary (and also horrific) the situation can get if things go wrong again. Is there anyone or anything that can grant me a boon? Like a special exemption? Please, let me get through this, this one time. Let me be forgiven for whatever ill I have done to anyone in this life or my past lives and let me be allowed to sail through this and get to the shore. This one time. Please.
I feel really better after stating where I stand. Emotionally & Financially.
I wish all moms pregnant with their rainbows get to the end and take their little ones home.
And all moms trying again, get their BFP's at the soonest.
Thanks for listening.