Thursday, January 12, 2012

Need to vent

I have gone missing from this blog which I primarily started as a way to vent and to talk about my baby to someone who is listening. Because the entire world was deaf to my grief.

Although I still remain pregnant, I miss my baby son very much. There is not a day that passes by without the thoughts of my lovely baby. Oh, how I wish he were here now. It still feels strange that he's gone. I don't believe I will ever stop feeling that way.

My current pregnancy is staying put although everyday is dragging like an age. I would want to go to sleep now and wake up in June. Okay, at least in May, where I will get as far as I got last time. But even May seems too too far off. It seems like here lies a great ocean that I need to cross before getting to May.

I was told no need for a cerclage to be put in by my high risk OB because my cervix showed a normal 3.5 cm length, however, was advised by the fertility specialist who did my IUI to go for one. For preventive purposes. Am inclined to go for one as well but not sure about the risks they frequently speak about like an infection or something.

Am quitting my job at the end of this month to be able to rest at home. Am extremely tired most days anyway but more than that, want to give myself best chances to work this thing out. I feel like this is my last chance, and if this didn't work, I wouldn't know what next to do. In spite of being there once already, my mind is incapable to imagining another heartbreaking loss, or losses.

With my job I lose my maternity cover too. Hence am forced to go for an external maternity cover with obscene premium amount. That way, because am pregnant already and insurance company will need to fleece me now. And another special cover for a micropremie nicu expenses because the high risk OB suggested I get that cover too. Scares me really.
We ended up getting a bank loan to support our insurance costs because the savings from our last year's job were already diverted into something else and we didn't have much money left.

So its a scary situation to be out of work with just my husband earning and left alone to pay the bills and loan installments, but this is no where close to how scary (and also horrific) the situation can get if things go wrong again. Is there anyone or anything that can grant me a boon? Like a special exemption? Please, let me get through this, this one time. Let me be forgiven for whatever ill I have done to anyone in this life or my past lives and let me be allowed to sail through this and get to the shore. This one time. Please.

I feel really better after stating where I stand. Emotionally & Financially. 

I wish all moms pregnant with their rainbows get to the end and take their little ones home.

And all moms trying again, get their BFP's at the soonest.

Thanks for listening.


  1. Little Vitu's Mom, get your comments in the early post. I just want May to get here now too. I'm so afraid of something terrible going wrong again and I'm not sure I'd make it through a second loss. Hang in there and wishing you nothing but the best. Hopefully we both get to the end of our pregnancies with living babies.

  2. I wish it with all my heart that everything turns fine this time for everyone.I am glad you are taking the time off work to try and relax.xo

  3. Any time you need to vent, that's why we're here. I think of you often and wish you *so* well. Hugs, honey...and we'll be here when you come to write again.

  4. Vent all you need to, I do all the time. It is scary to go through this again wondering if things will end the same again or if you will get to bring your little ones home this time.
    And I think if being at home is what feels right for you and you guys can manage with you not working then it was a great decision. Anything to help you relax a little and be less stressed is best.
    Thinking about you and all the other mommas often.

  5. I have been wondering how things were going for you. I am glad that you are able to take the time off.

    I really don't understand why BLMs do not get a get out of jail free card. We shouldn't have to worry about another loss.

    Sending you peace and restful thoughts. I hope that time moves quickly forward to May.

  6. Hi there,
    It's been a really long time since I visited ur blog though have been thinking of you often and am I not glad I did. I just can't tell u how happy I am for u. U really really did deserve it n I am so so sure nothing will go wrong this time. Just keep the faith, May is not too far.
    As for the cerclage, can't praise it enough. I hope u remember that I lost my first son to an incompetent cervix. This pregnancy I had d cerclage put in at 13 weeks and by God's grace had a completely uneventful pregnancy. The proof is in my arms now (I delivered a healthy baby boy at 36 weeks, 3 days short of full term on Jan 12).
    In fact I had a perfectly normal pregnancy like the girl next door, even though initially my doctor had told me that I wud be on bedrest for 28 weeks and thats all he promised to take me till. Though I don't know if u really do need a cerclage but in case u do, pls dnt hesitate. As for the infection, even I had it twice but with antibiotics it was all gone. Also, the earlier u get a cerclage the more effective it wud be. So do think abt it. How far are u anyway?
    All the best. Am extremely happy for u and pray for a stressfree and happy pregnancy. Ur little Vittu is just a few months away from u.

  7. Soon you will be off, just a few more days- I hope it brings you some comfort,put your feet up,read, sleep, watch tv- relax and pamper yourself a little- you really do deserve it! Thinking of you. xo