Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What I can never understand

Four months ago, exactly on this day, my baby died. Making me an orphan. I'm saying this because with my baby I lost my old self. My original self. The life V & I live now can hardly be described as life.

When I were pregnant with my baby and making plans to go to India to have him, we'd decided that I'd return with him and my mother on 5th March to Dubai. My due date fell in Jan, so we thought this would be ideal. In early November, it so happened that I booked tickets for myself and my mother for our March travel. Umpteen times, I joked with V that in the excitement of our son's birth we may just forget to buy a ticket for him. And may just come off to the airport like that. 

I imagined this scene a thousand times in my head - my son, me & mother - the three of us in the airport waiting to board the Dubai flight. It was so real. For once, not even a fraction of second, did I speculate that this may not happen.

I did take that flight just with my mother - minus my son. I still cannot come to terms with what happened. Its so unfair. Its like, I went on a holiday to a place, the day I reached my destination I lost all my possessions, and then I simply  returned home empty handed. In the larger scheme of things - it would seem like I went on that holiday just to lose my prized possession, my baby son.

What I can never understand is why didn't I have some hints, some indication. That this could happen. That things could go wrong. That I could lose my baby just like that. 


  1. You do know its not your fault right? Hang in there dear...

  2. My heart breaks for you. I remember asking myself the same questions. You did the best by your baby and you are an amazing mother. Please remember that. Hang in there. xoxo

  3. Have been thinking about you and little Vitu for the past few days. Our circumstances maybe different when our babies were born but somehow you mirror my thoughts. In my 23rd week I flew to Delhi to my mom's place as my Husband was travelling there for work. The purpose of my visit was to finalise an obstetrician as I wanted to have my Delhi at mom's. I had plans of travelling back with my baby in the first week of Jan (my due date was Dec 5). But within 3 days of landing in Delhi I was admitted to the hospital as my bag was bulging. Then I abandoned all thoughts of coming back and decided to stay put in the hospital and prepared myself for a preemie (It was 2nd week of August). I often thot of how my friends wud be surprised when I wud go back home with my baby 3 months early. I thought of how my baby may just be born on Ganesh Chaturthi etc etc but something I never thought was that I would return home empty handed. I never thot I wud travel thereafter without my baby. But life had some other plans for me just like you. But I choose to fight God, fight my destiny and all the obstacles that come my way and have made a promise to myself and my angel son that I will hold him soon. Just have faith in yourself. Your baby will come back to you.

  4. I think of you lot too Vidhi. Have you been on the Inspire site (there's a link from my blog). Lot of premie momas (the unlucky ones like us too) there : Chaitali

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