If my baby was here...

I think about my baby son a lot. I think about all the things associated with him, when he was alive inside me, alive in the nicu...I also fantasise a lot. What'd he be doing if he were here today. Sometimes I just recreate the scene in my mind as if my son was here with us and I try to get my husband involved in this act. 

Yesterday I created a scene where my baby (he's a toddler now) was playing with his friend (also a toddler), broke the pearl necklace of his friend and scattered the pearls all over. I got upset and asked him to pick up the pearls from the floor without getting help from the friend who was anyway howling at the top of his voice. And was eager to see my son punished for his deed.

My son complied. He went to the kitchen, brought a little cup, squat down on the floor and started collecting the strewn pearls into it. He'd move around the room and pick up the pearls. The friend would stop howling (his howling is aimed at ensuring my son finishes the task) when my son is at work. My son takes a short pause and glances at his now silent friend. At this moment, the friend starts howling again. My son gives up, grumbles, makes a mental note that he'll give it back to his friend another time and now silently continues collecting the pearls.

My husband enjoyed my story. For a few minutes it made us both believe our son whom we wanted so badly in our lives was indeed with us.

Most of my thoughts end with the memory of my baby's face the day I saw him in the hospital. That absolutely enchanting face.

All my thoughts end here. I cannot go beyond that face.