Friday, March 25, 2011

My own personal tsunami

Losing my baby has been like a tsunami in my life for so many reasons. A week before I conceived my baby I had wept thinking I'm never going to be a mother. At least that was proved wrong. I did become a mother. I almost did.

I work and live with my husband in Dubai. When I were over six and a half months pregnant I travelled to my parents' home in India to have my baby. The first week in India I have my baby shower. Two days after that, I attend a family wedding. Another four days later my baby is born. Another  eleven days and my baby is gone. Without a trace.

Honestly, there is no proof that my baby was here with me for seven exceptionally beautiful months. The most memorable months in my life. I was never happier, I never looked more prettier, I never was more hopeful.

There is no proof, that my baby was here. Except the scar from the c-section. Except the ultrasound pictures and xray films. I'm sorry am saying this. But my pregnancy ended as a joke. Very sad one. That's how bitter I have become.

I don't want to sound sadistic, but I can't help thinking this. I have a big family with plenty of ladies. Cousins. Aunts. No one, not a single cousin or aunt of mine had a pregnancy and the subsequent loss like me. It baffles me to think how can I fall into this wretched niche? This is just one of the thousand thoughts that haunt me when I sit back and retrospect.

I have lost a lot following my baby. The ability to think positively. My self-confidence. I live in constant fear that there are more rude shocks to come. Trust - in fate, in myself, in doctors, in God, in friendships, in family, in everyone around me. I have lost a lot.


  1. It is very natural to feel this way...this helpless way. I am glad you are grieving for your baby. Let it out. I am listening to you.
    It helps to talk...I am here for you.

  2. Dear Vittu's Mom,

    I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It feels like, a tiger is waiting for me at the corner of the road and I don't know, whether to keep walking or stop and run backwards, just because I am too scared to do anything.

    Life without your baby is hard, but does it ever get better? It feels like, after 4.5 months, I had a long crying day and had to visit my daughter at the cemetry to say how sorry I am that throughout all these rain and cloud, she is all alone there without any shade. Does it make any sense to you? Somehow, I feel like, that you do.

    Take care of yourself dear, we are just different than other mothers now. Love you and God bless you.