Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Yesterday, my husband was very upset. He generally is, when he returns from work. During my entire pregnancy, he had fantasised about being able to play with his baby as soon as he gets back from work. That feeling that he has to return everyday to a baby-less home depresses him.
What he keeps telling me always is that how helpless he is. Up till now in our individual lives and life after our marriage,we have seen ups and downs. But somehow, we were were able to get through them. There were some elements within our realm of control.
Losing our baby has been like a strike out of nowhere. I still keep thinking how helpless this whole thing has rendered us. When my water broke prematurely, the days my baby was in the nicu, the day he died, and now. When we are just living with his memory.
In both of our otherwise event-less lives, this has been earth shattering. Something that has changed our lives forever. A dark realization, a chill trapped in our hearts, a deep pain clasped to our hearts permanently.
How I wish this hadn't happened and my baby were alive. He'd a be a big boy today - smiling at his daddy when he returned from work. Making our lives living worthy.