Friday, April 8, 2011

Just Ranting

Things are not working for us (Obviously). I'm waiting for a confirmation letter regards to my job but it didn't come yet. To be honest, I'm terrified of going to work. I haven't sat back for 5 minutes and thought about how will it be in an office, juggling with chores. I was in the same office when I were pregnant, and that was some life. Work was great, co-workers were awesome, every day was a day of spring. And to imagine its exactly opposite now. No. Its worst than opposite. What is the term in English for such a pickle?

Am waiting for the letter because its delayed for too long. I almost lost my job after I lost my baby. That was like a pinch to someone on an electric chair. Some sense had prevailed since then and my client manager decided to hire me his firm. (I was employed by a body shop company before). I know am going to hate this job. But I have to do it for practical purposes - World is a sick and sad place.

Yesterday was V's birthday. 35. What could have been his first birthday with our son (we had thought about this when I was in the other world, still pregnant), was now a sad day. When I said 'happy birthday' he just cried. I mean, we only know how happy this day has turned out to be. He got few calls and text messages wishing him 'happy birthday'. Some even said 'many many happy returns of the day'. I don't blame them. They don't of course think of our son all the time. Its just us although I would wish that the world (our world, the one in which we lived before my baby died), would stop & mourn for my baby. It doesn't happen that way. For everyone, its just a statistic.

V's sister called him up to ask how we were celebrating the day. (This question may not look wrong on the surface but she surely should have some idea of the place we are. I know, again am expecting too much of people). I told V that his parents are at fault. They didn't bring her up well. (She rarely calls him. Whenever she does once in a blue moon, she only speaks such nonsense). We had a small fight after this. We reconciled soon (We learnt to reconcile 30 minutes after a fight after our baby died).

I have to learn something from my baby's death. One thing I have learnt (I mentioned in my previous post), is about the whole world of suffering mothers which I wasn't aware existed before. But I wouldn't want it to end here. I would like to continue to be compassionate. I would like to find ways to keep connected to my little son. That piece of my heart which I have lost forever. I want to donate some money to a neonatal unit of a Government Hospital in India. Hope I can do this in coming few months - if I get my job.


  1. Going back to work is definitely going to be hard. And birthdays? Mine is soon and I am not looking forward to my birthday without my son AT ALL. :(

  2. Sending you much love, this new life is so difficult, especially all the "firsts" without your baby. I hope you have some gentle moments coming your way.

  3. My 30th birthday was just 3 weeks after losing Liam, it sucked.
    I too have learned from losing Liam just how many other moms are going through the same thing I am now, I was so unaware before
    I think the firsts will always be the worst but I pray for better days ahead for all of us