Saturday, April 9, 2011
I was always a quiet person. I could never attract friends easily as some do. I always looked to connect with like minded people so that I could voice my opinion without offending others. Which always left me with few friends but deep & lasting friendship. I also suspect that this was because I was never a good communicator.
Needless to say, my communication skills have taken a further beating. I have a strong feeling that I will never ever fit into the social circle again. Because now am loaded with the grief of losing my baby and all the resentment that came with that.
This was proved by my recent experience on a public forum. It is a forum to discuss infertility issues for Indian ladies. It is also frequented by people who have had losses (mostly a miscarriage).
A poster (who is in her 30's & has had recurrent miscarriages) posted about her dilemma in having had to lie to a prospective employer that she has a kid (she is actually childless) in order to save the embarrassment. (It is possible, in an Indian set-up if you are 30 years and do not have a child, people think something is seriously wrong).
She was looking for some response to her 'act' from childless women in their 30's.
Many women responded with a central theme that its okay to be childless in 30's. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. (Fair enough, these women have fertility issues and are still trying for a baby.)
I couldn't respond coolly as everyone did. I wanted to empathize with the poster because she has had recurrent losses (may be not like me, but loss is a loss). And am not a regular infertile lady. I went through the trying period of one year before having a 4 pound baby whom I lost in a NICU four months ago. I was having one of those days (I agree, this is in my defence), but I wrote down a very strong response. Here is what I wrote verbatim.
A woman responded to what I wrote.
I'm already feeling guilty about my strong comment. But this lady has no clue what am going through. So I write again.
The lady has a habit of reading between the lines and picking on people. She quotes my half sentences and writes.
"I tell my H sometimes I should have been a duffer - then invariably I would have got married at 21 and perhaps had a baby by now. (I don't mean it - but the levels of frustration am going force such thoughts into my mind)."
"(You aren't even there)"
"What I said I was an unfair comment, I agree. It is my darker side perhaps"
Nobody on the forum is defending me. Poor me. I have to defend myself before its proven that am indeed a wretched woman, a vamp. Someone who lost her baby first and now wishes ill for others. I'am battered, but I get up, gather some strength and write again to defend my honour (not much left anyway).
Some background about this woman. She's not in her 30 but I guess couple of years younger, she's first time pregnant (soon to deliver) and she's not had any infertility issues to deal with (as her one post suggested). What is she doing in this forum anyway? Hm.
If you are still reading my post, and if you believe am not a vamp really with a low attitude, do you think I should continue on a forum like the above? Please, tell me.