After one year...

Thanks to all blms who left sweet comments for my last post. Its really so hearteneing to hear your kind, understanding words..am very thankful for that. You are the only ones who constantly remind me that am not completely alone in this world filled with dread..and that feeling has helped me to keep going...

Today is one year exactly since my boy said bye. Last year, until yesterday, he was fine. He fell sick today morning. He struggled with breathing for many hours after which doctors finally took a notice, put him on ventilator, his condition worsened. He had a grade 3 brain bleed. His heart collapsed and he passed. I was in the hospital when all this happened, but I wasn't by his side. I was in that stupid room of mine worrying and refusing to believe what was happening. I didn't do anything for my baby as his mother. I delievered him prematurely - that's the only thing I did.

Even when my dad came and said my baby was no more, I didn't cry. I have this inability to cry at moments like this. For many hours, I just couldn't cry. I sat there like stone without wanting to look at my baby, thinking about myself. I had only one memory of seeing him. When he was healthy five days ago. Such a beautiful baby. I thought i couldn't look at his lifeless body now. I thought I wouldn't bear it. I was only keen on protecting myself. I'm normally quite a self centered person but that day I probably crossed all limits.

I can recall now, after those immediate moments when my baby died, my heart was so frozen; more than my baby, I was thinking about myself only. How am I going to live through this? How am I going to survive this? It was all about myself (and my husband).

It actually took me a few hours to realize that my little sweet baby was dead, and was going to be buried. His life was over and was a closed chapter. He would never see days filled with sunshine or never have a chance to grow up into a big boy and an adult like all normal babies do. He would never get to do the fun things. He was past already.

Nobody wanted to speak about him. This world runs on the 'survival of the fittest' theory; and many decided that he wasn't fit, hence he didn't survive. Most felt that is how justice is delievered.

I did not hold my son and kiss him. I may have not been a good momma, but I want to say that I love him a lot. Really. He's the only thing who is in my heart always.

I ask this question everyday, which am sure every blm asks - 'why did my baby have to die?'

My sweet little baby. Miss him so much.