Tuesday, November 29, 2011

After one year...

Thanks to all blms who left sweet comments for my last post. Its really so hearteneing to hear your kind, understanding words..am very thankful for that. You are the only ones who constantly remind me that am not completely alone in this world filled with dread..and that feeling has helped me to keep going...

Today is one year exactly since my boy said bye. Last year, until yesterday, he was fine. He fell sick today morning. He struggled with breathing for many hours after which doctors finally took a notice, put him on ventilator, his condition worsened. He had a grade 3 brain bleed. His heart collapsed and he passed. I was in the hospital when all this happened, but I wasn't by his side. I was in that stupid room of mine worrying and refusing to believe what was happening. I didn't do anything for my baby as his mother. I delievered him prematurely - that's the only thing I did.

Even when my dad came and said my baby was no more, I didn't cry. I have this inability to cry at moments like this. For many hours, I just couldn't cry. I sat there like stone without wanting to look at my baby, thinking about myself. I had only one memory of seeing him. When he was healthy five days ago. Such a beautiful baby. I thought i couldn't look at his lifeless body now. I thought I wouldn't bear it. I was only keen on protecting myself. I'm normally quite a self centered person but that day I probably crossed all limits.

I can recall now, after those immediate moments when my baby died, my heart was so frozen; more than my baby, I was thinking about myself only. How am I going to live through this? How am I going to survive this? It was all about myself (and my husband).
It actually took me a few hours to realize that my little sweet baby was dead, and was going to be buried. His life was over and was a closed chapter. He would never see days filled with sunshine or never have a chance to grow up into a big boy and an adult like all normal babies do. He would never get to do the fun things. He was past already.

Nobody wanted to speak about him. This world runs on the 'survival of the fittest' theory; and many decided that he wasn't fit, hence he didn't survive. Most felt that is how justice is delievered.

I did not hold my son and kiss him. I may have not been a good momma, but I want to say that I love him a lot. Really. He's the only thing who is in my heart always.
I ask this question everyday, which am sure every blm asks - 'why did my baby have to die?'

My sweet little baby. Miss him so much.


  1. I can tell how much you love and miss your baby boy and I'm so very sorry he's not here. Sending much love.

  2. I wish I could change what happened for all of us.xo

  3. This post could have been written by me. I feel so guilty and selfish but thinking of myself and how I would get through my baby's death too. It took me some time too, to realize that my little boy's life was over for HIM too. I can also tell how much you love him just by reading this post.

  4. Hugs, Mama, on this very difficult day. Shock in those times does weird things to us.

  5. I wish your baby boy could still be with you. And I do ask myself all the time why did MY baby have to die. It's so unfair to all of us that have had to experience this.
    Thinking of you and baby Vitu

  6. All i can say is that our brains do things to protect us, they respond so that we can survive.
    When we are put into stressful situations, we do our best and it's usually no where near perfect because our minds are not in clear places. Everything is chaotic and the pain is loud and confusing. Please be gentle on yourself.
    I wasn't by my son's side worrying either when he died. But that does not mean that i did not love him with every inch of my soul. I have regrets. I think it's probably impossible to have your child die and not have regrets.
    Love transcends death.
    Thinking of you and sweet Vitu. xo

  7. One year. I can't imagine how that must feel. I think that is the question we all keep asking. "why my baby". It all seems so unfair. My heart goes to you. Wish I had better words to offer. <3