Saturday, May 19, 2012

I'm still here

Im still here; although I haven't been exactly prompt in writing comments. While I'm very happy for all the BLMs who got their rainbows recently, I'm infinitely sad for dear Becky. I mean, what happened to her has challenged my belief in 'life' altogether. Not that I now had huge expectations from life or it's generally assumed goodness but this is beyond all boundaries of comprehension. There is no word in my dictionary which would describe such a tragedy. I'm still miraculously pregnant. It baffles me because there isn't a single complication that I haven't been put through. In March and April, I visited the Emergency several times due to unwarranted spotting. I was convinced that my cerclage was giving away. In May, so far, I've been admitted to hospital on two occasions; once for 3 nights; another time,4 nights. First time, I had severe stomach pain which was sourced to UTI. I have a sort of national record in UTI where I've tested positive for infection at least 6-7 time in this pg. Second time, I had some serious preterm contractions. They could stop it with medicines after some effort. My mother came here two weeks ago. Although the pain of household chores and cooking is transferred to her, there's an unfathomable grief lingering around. My little brother's death. Its hard for me to share this here, because the whole thing is complicated , but all was not well between us (me and my parents) and my brother at the time of his death. In fact, things were not well since 2009. He was such a sweet boy until then but in 2009, he stopped coming to my parents' house, stopped calling them or me, and started living with a woman and her parents in a different town. He secretly married her and got a little baby soon after. That had hurt my parents, especially my father, who brought us up through many hardships. They had hoped that they could spend their old-age reveling in the success and happiness of their well-educated, succesful children, but that was not to be. He exchanged emails with me once in a while and I was hoping to go and see him after my baby's birth in 2010. But things took an ugly turn when my baby suddenly died. I was very offended by something his 'wife' told me then, that I lashed at my brother instead. (because I didn't know his 'wife' at all). I told him all kind of things and everything was justified according to me because I had lost my baby and he was living a 'happy' life immune from our grief. I constantly thought of him during the last one year, and fumed that he hadn't supported his sister during her tragedy. In the last one and a half years, he never called us. I had called him once but he had ignored my call. The only news that came from him was about his death in the car accident; he had died on spot after colliding with a truck. In a place which is 12 hours away by road from my parents' house. My father left as soon as he got the phone call. It took more than 24 hours to bring his body home to perform the funeral rites. So my parents were waiting to see him and after two years they see him like that. I couldn't travel because of cerclage, so I didnt get to see him at all. He was cremated in the open air crematorium that stands by the river at some distance from my house. In our society,customarily, an elder son lits his parents' funeral pyre when they die. Now of course, thats not going to happen in my parents' case. I live in terrible guilt and depression. I almost believe that my harsh attitude towards my brother killed him. He was such a sweet boy, we were there for each other always. He had carried his mild, sweet smile from his childhood into his adulthood. I want to go back in time and speak to him, hug him and kiss him once. My poor brother. I want to picturise a scene where he and my little Vitu are holding hands and walking by the seaside, but I cannot get through the day without crying or feeling guilty about everything. I'm majorly suffering from survivor's guilt too. I wish things were different. And I had a chance to know what was going to come. Now, I just have to wait to die and meet my sweet brother.


  1. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I think any of us who lose our babies should have several years off from any other kind of tragedy. Too bad the universe won't listen to me.

  2. You did not cause his death with your attitude, if that were the case half my family would be dead by now. I know that sounds terrible but you should not torture yourself over it.

    Of course guilt is a an irrational and strong reaction after death that we all feel, it is undeserved yet still it washes over us, but please dont let it consume you.

    It really is scary and mind boggling to know that we arent free from other tragedy. I am so sorry to hear about your brother and the rough time youve had with this pregnancy. I am thinking of you and babies.xo

  3. Too much - the world has asked too much of you recently. I am so sorry for all of this. Hang in there with the pregnancy. Thinking of you.

  4. Hugs, Sweetie. Thinking of you...