Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Going back to work

I have to go back to work soon. Saying that its 'going to be difficult', will be an understatement. My job is such that I have to interact with so many people across departments everyday. I had excellent working relationships with many. My own team was quite a nice one. I had a co-worker who had bought a skin cream for me when I was about 3 months pregnant saying that I shouldn't use other creams which may harm the baby but use a mild one like the one she gave me. I remember her telling me sometime that 'do not walk fast'. 'Walk slowly'. I remember the day I distributed sweets to about fifty people. It was the first day of Diwali and my last working day. To think that was the last day I went with my son smiling to a workplace. A day that will never come back in my life again.

I used to report to a Senior Director who was very warm to me generally, and when I were pregnant, he treated me with extra kindness. He was/is one of the excellent managers I have ever worked with. Two days before my last working day, he was flying to Beirut to visit his ailing mom, he had a nice chat with me where he wished me all the very best for the delivery. He asked me if I'd thought of a name for my baby. I replied saying 'Yes. and it will be a simple name.' That is because my own name is unpronounceable for him and he had to always use a shortened version. 

'Then you can name him after me'. He had joked. I had laughed him off.

For some reason, I feel things are not same between us after my tragedy. I'd mailed him from India after my baby died, and he did reply back, but somehow, I felt he could have worded his reply better. He did say 'sorry' but I didn't like the way his whole email was phrased. Somehow, I felt his sorry was more like a sorry for someone who lost their baggage in an airline goof-up. He is one of the many persons towards whom I looked  for compassion, and sadly didn't get much.

There was another co-worker with whom I was good friends and called him two months after my baby died. I learnt that my manager hadn't shared my news with him although they see each other almost everyday. That surprised me a bit. So I had to break the sad news to this guy - who was - genuinely shocked and sad. He felt sorry for me & my husband, and expressed it.

Well, nobody else from my 'nice team' called me (including the lady who bought skin cream for me). They must have got the news now. I assume that is because they'd not know what to speak to me. I don't know how my moments will be when I see them all now. 

Also, there will be many who knew I were pregnant and had gone off to have a baby but wouldn't know what happened to me afterwards. So they will ask me. I will have to tell my sad story to them. There will also be people totally new who would want to know if I have any children. I will have to decide as to, to whom I can tell or not tell.

Luckily, I have a different team, different manager and a different desk now. But somehow, my heart is not there and if you ask me why am I still going to work, my answer will be:

i.   It is easier to push time if I keep myself occupied
ii.  My mind will be off my son when am dumped with crazy work (Is it good? Bad?)
iii. Monetary reasons. They are giving me a 25% pay hike. 
iv. My medical insurance doesn't have maternity coverage. And maternity/infertility treatment is pretty expensive here. I can fund it with my salary now.
v. We changed our residence in the beginning of this year. The flat I stay now is 5 minutes drive from the office. So am hoping it will be a popping-in and popping-out sort of thing (very optimistic).
vi. My husband will be calmer. He prefers a  me-sad-in a crowded office to a me-sad-alone-at-home.
vii. I just have a four weeks notice period. IF I get pregnant again (that is a BIG IF), I can quit the job easily.

Miss my baby son immensely. How I wish things were different.

Its a sad life. I can feel the sad circular waves emanating from my body and soul into this universe. As the waves get farther and farther from me they are absorbed by the gigantic universe which is least affected by it.   My sadness is treated like a drop in the sea of sorrow. But for me, it is the entire ocean, where I'm drowning everyday. Am not dying. But there is no way of escape from this ocean either.


  1. I agree that keeping busy helps. Good luck at this new job.

  2. Hope going back to work can get your mind elsewhere and that it goes smoothly. I also hope you will be giving them your four weeks notice sometime in the future. Thinking of you...

  3. It sucks, but (sometimes?) I think going back is for the best (keeps you occupied, etc.). I too hope you can be on maternity leave again soon.

    Sorry about the manager not giving you the compassion you were hoping for. I'm sure he meant no harm, people would just much rather be there during the good times than the bad...

  4. Wish you good luck and strength to face the new world. A world, where not many people know how to express and share.

    Your manager might have sounded rude or not compassionate enough. But honestly, he did the right thing by not telling the news to everyone. Maybe he felt it right for you to share it yourself. Also, he might have thought that you will not like somebody talking about your sorrow behind your back.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Going back to work was difficult for me, but I too needed the money and the distraction. I guess my best word of advice is to not put too much stock into what or how people will react to your loss. I think I expected everyone to be kind about it and that just wasn't realistic. I hope all goes well for you. Sending love and strength~

  6. Maybe your manager didnt discuss it with anyone because of privacy reasons. Tomorrow you might question him right? So he is playing it safe. Dont read too much into it dear.

    Its a good decision you are making about going back to work. Some distraction is better.

  7. I didn't want to go back either, but for many reasons it was good for me and better than just sitting at home. I wish I could tell you things will be okay and it is a good distraction but I have my days still when work is the last place I want to be. I will be thinking of you as you are headed back

  8. Hey,

    I haven't seen any of your comments or a new post from you in a bit. I hope you are doing okay?

    Happy Mother's Day.