Saturday, April 23, 2011
What is the point in worrying?
I'm a natural worrier. It is a part of my personality. It is something I have got as a legacy from my mom's side of the family. During my growing up years, my father tried to change this habit of mine and couldn't. My husband has tried too and failed. Worrying had grown to become a close friend. I'd worried about getting good marks in my exams, worried about getting a job as soon as I finish college, worried about getting married as soon as I reached a marriageable age, worried about having a child as soon as I was ready......
I worried a lot when I discovered about my pregnancy last year. I had missed my period but not without little brown blood and cramps. I'd met a GP that day and he blindly suspected it may be a problem pregnancy like an ectopic or something because I'd bled after all. Then I met the OB who started telling me not to worry. Little brown blood is harmless. She said. I believed her and she turned out to be right. I didn't bleed after that. I just had lot of morning sickness which she said is an indication that everything is fine. All my scans came out perfect. But I remember I didn't tell anyone at work that I were pregnant unless they asked after seeing my swelling belly. I was scared all the time that I may miscarry. The OB constantly chided me that I worry too much. I don't know, but for some reason she didn't like worriers. I remember her telling me once that miscarriage is nature's way of preventing a disabled child coming into our lives. So don't worry - whatever has to happen, will happen. She'd say. I always suspected if she was really an OB or a Philosophy Guru.
Anyway, my pregnancy was progressing fine. When I was around 4 months, I remember a co-worker asking me if this was an unwanted pregnancy. I was shocked. I asked 'why do you say that?'. She said 'you don't seem to be happy'. In honesty, although I was indescribably happy, the worry that something may go wrong overrode the feeling of happiness - and showed on my face. And she just saw that worry.
Somehow, I was convinced that if I worry, that in turn will make things okay. Stupid logic. But I have been like this all my life and what could I hope to be okay, more than this pregnancy?
I met the OB for my last consultation in Dubai and that was the day she again lectured me that I should be positive and everything will go well. I was a week shy of seven months.
I had come this far. When I reached my parents' home in India, I was convinced that everything will be fine. This was the exact time I'd let go off all my worries and started enjoying my pregnancy. There was no office to go to. I could meet friends, relatives and enjoy the last two months waiting for a delivery and then a baby and then return to Dubai with him and so on and so forth. For the first time in my life, I made up my mind to stop worrying. My personality was going to change for good. What my father or my husband couldn't achieve, was going to be done by my baby son.
I almost cannot believe what happened after that. When I look back, it seems SO surreal. I was never before in my life taken to such great heights of incredible happiness and then knocked down without a warning.
Now, I have a whole football field of worries, that is, if I want to. But at the moment, I have decided am not going to worry. Last year may have proved that things were fine when I worried and they went astray the moment I let go off worry, but nevertheless, I will not worry now.
I really wish I could say that my baby son taught me ultimately not to worry - and I want to honour him by staying that way - a worry-less person. Would that be possible?