Saturday, May 7, 2011
A week at work
Thank you very much for all your kind words of encouragement. And all the support and advices. I really used them all during this week at work. And thank you Laura for checking - its really sweet of you.
My first day at work went almost okay until at the end of the day one co-worker with whom I interacted little earlier remembered that I were pregnant the last time he had seen me & asked me about it. A few colleagues from my old team messaged 'welcome back'. I just replied thanks and when they asked how I am I said 'I'm fine'. I try not talking to anyone from my old team unless its absolutely necessary for my work. I have made a few friends in the new team. They are my lunch buddies now. These people are from an Indian IT company which is a Managed Services Partner of my employer here. They are new and I feel safe with them. They don't seem to know what happened with me hence there is no threat of neither sympathy/pity nor blatant ignorance. I go to lunch with them, laugh at some jokes, chat with them like a normal person. They cannot perhaps even guess that my baby has died few months ago. I'm much quieter than I were before but they won't notice that because they didn't know me before.
I archived all the old mails in my Outlook into a folder called 'previous life'. I try to find more and more work to do everyday so that I can keep myself occupied. At times when I sit there staring at my computer screen I remember my son, his face, and my whole self just freezes. I remember those months I had spent with him inside me in the same office - counting the weeks and waiting to hold him. It strikes me like a lightning that my baby has died and I can never hold him. I send a blank email to my husband with just a subject 'feeling sad' and he calls back without much to tell to me.
Life seems like a stranger. Its not the same life I grew up talking to. It feels like am living someone else's life now. Because in my life, my baby was supposed to be alive at home, and I were supposed to call a hundred times from office to check on him, to see how he's doing, and when I return from office the first thing I'd be doing is holding my baby. And cuddling him and kissing him.
Today I got the results of my Insulin Resistance test - which has one high reading - and that confirms I have PCOS and I've been asked to start metformin. I didn't have PCOS before. So that leaves me here now - instead of buying nice, pretty things for my darling baby boy I need to buy medication for myself. (okay - no self pity). I tell myself.
In the parking lot of my office I see people I knew before who were pregnant and now have successfully had their babies I tell myself that I don't exist in their world. I once logged into facebook and saw the babies' pictures of the friends, old colleagues who were pregnant with me and the host of congratulatory messages they received from everyone. I tell myself that I will not let others make me sad. I promised to never login to facebook ever again.