Saturday, May 7, 2011

A week at work

Thank you very much for all your kind words of encouragement. And all the support and advices. I really used them all during this week at work. And thank you Laura for checking - its really sweet of you.

My first day at work went almost okay until at the end of the day one co-worker with whom I interacted little earlier remembered that I were pregnant the last time he had seen me & asked me about it. A few colleagues from my old team messaged 'welcome back'. I just replied thanks and when they asked how I am I said 'I'm fine'. I try not talking to anyone from my old team unless its absolutely necessary for my work. I have made a few friends in the new team. They are my lunch buddies now. These people are from an Indian IT company which is a Managed Services Partner of my employer here. They are new and I feel safe with them. They don't seem to know what happened with me hence there is no threat of neither sympathy/pity nor blatant ignorance. I go to lunch with them, laugh at some jokes, chat with them like a normal person. They cannot perhaps even guess that my baby has died few months ago. I'm much quieter than I were before but they won't notice that because they didn't know me before. 

I archived all the old mails in my Outlook into a folder called 'previous life'. I try to find more and more work to do everyday so that I can keep myself occupied. At times when I sit there staring at my computer screen I remember my son, his face, and my whole self just freezes. I remember those months I had spent with him inside me in the same office - counting the weeks and waiting to hold him. It strikes me like a lightning that my baby has died and I can never hold him. I send a blank email to my husband with just a subject 'feeling sad' and he calls back without much to tell to me.

Life seems like a stranger. Its not the same life I grew up talking to. It feels like am living someone else's life now. Because in my life, my baby was supposed to be alive at home, and I were supposed to call a hundred times from office to check on him, to see how he's doing, and when I return from office the first thing I'd be doing is holding my baby. And cuddling him and kissing him.

Today I got the results of my Insulin Resistance test - which has one high reading - and that confirms I have PCOS and I've been asked to start metformin. I didn't have PCOS before. So that leaves me here now - instead of buying nice, pretty things for my darling baby boy I need to buy medication for myself. (okay - no self pity). I tell myself.

In the parking lot of my office I see people I knew before who were pregnant and now have successfully had their babies I tell myself that I don't exist in their world. I once logged into facebook and saw the babies' pictures of the friends, old colleagues who were pregnant with me and the host of congratulatory messages they received from everyone. I tell myself that I will not let others make me sad. I promised to never login to facebook ever again.


  1. I was wondering how you were doing since you had not posted in awhile. I am glad that works seems to be going okay and that you have found a few friends.
    People on Facebook drive me nuts to. People are either complaining, pregnant, or showing baby pictures-yuck I don't need to see or hear about any of that right now.
    Missing your little Vitu with you.

  2. I was glad to read a post as I had been wondering as well how your return to work had been going. I feel the same way, anywhere I was before when pregnant is hard and difficult. It just brings back so many memories and thoughts. And as Becky said, FB is so depressing so I've been trying to stay off it as well. It is okay. There are other things to do. Thinking of you and your little Vitu. Hugs

  3. I'm glad you have some semblance of normal at your work. I'm sorry for the PCOS, metformin is yucky. Sending love and remembering Vitu~

  4. In a way I am really glad that you have found new buddies at work.
    This facebook is so stupid yaar! I mean, I can never understand why someone you supposedly care for you does not bother to personally call and wish/talk instead of leaving impersonal facebook msgs!

    I am so sorry about PCOS. I dont know much about it but I am sure you are taking good care of your health. Please do.