Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sometimes I cannot cry
These days I cannot cry as much as I would like to. Nine hours at work, and then cooking and doing the dishes is keeping me busy. I go along doing these things mechanically. It seems like there are two compartments in my brain. One in the front, one in the back.
The one in the front is processing things I know I need to do at work, and at home. In the kitchen etc. The one in the back is constantly playing a movie. Its almost like a still movie because there are not many images. Its mostly just one image, of my son - on the day I saw him from very close in the hospital. The day he was very well. I don't have a picture and I saw him from proximity just once so I cannot perfectly form that face in my brain. But I remember that brief encounter, him wrapped in a white cloth and his eyes closed. I had observed his soft skin and chubby cheeks and those cute lips and told myself how close he was to what I'd always imagined when he was inside. The nurse put a small tape like thing on his foot and he let out a small cry and his lips moved. Left side of his mouth moved and that's the first time I'd seen something like that...it just did something to me. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that this was MY baby. MY baby.
I wonder how it must be to take a baby home from the hospital after having given birth to. And see the baby growing - and see all those changes month after month. How does it feel to hold your own baby tightly against your body? A normal average mother (who hasn't had a loss like us), how does she feel? How will I feel if I ever get to hold a baby again?
At times I keep thinking where my son is gone. What must be he doing now. I don't believe that dying is the end of everything. But if so, what happens then? He was just a baby. I knew him for 32 weeks. I can't say I knew him well. What kind of person he'd turn out to be?
Where is he now?
This terrible block of grief that's trapped inside me and my inability to weep makes it worse. At time its so hard. Its always hard. When I realise that this pain is forever, and my baby is gone forever..it just breaks my heart over and again.