Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tomorrow my baby will be 5 months. If he had lived. I would be telling proudly 'my son is five months today. 3 months corrected. Five months actual'. I would be checking and comparing his milestones with other premie babies. I would be proud no matter what. I would be thankful that he is with me.
Instead, I just found out I may have pcos. And I have to go to tests for all other dreadful things. IR, Lupas, ANA. I didn't have all these stuff when I was trying last time. But times have changed. In addition to losing my baby, I have to deal with these infertility issues now.
Sometimes I think it would have been better if I hadn't got pregnant at all. It would be more than two years of trying now, but still we'd be saying 'we are trying. its not happening'. Rather than saying. 'it happened. there was a baby. but he died. i don't know why exactly'. I would have been sad, depressed if I hadn't got pregnant at all, but this heartache wouldn't be there. This never ending sadness, this deep wound in my chest. This wouldn't be there. Why did I have to get pregnant if I couldn't have my boy?
My husband tells me am too much into self pity. Worst comes to worst, let us adopt. He says. There is no point crying now. How much can a person cry? I'm tired of self pity, he says. Five months of self pity. It is too much according to him and he can't take it any more.
Yes that is one of my prime thoughts in the never ending chain. What if I don't get pregnant again at all? What if I get pregnant and cannot keep the baby? Lose the baby to a miscarriage, missed miscarriage, prom, pre-eclampsia or some other crap?
If such things happen, lets adopt. Not one but two babies. He says. This is not the perfect storm. We will get out of this. My poor husband. I really don't know how he is dealing with all this. He never vocally complains. Its me who complains all the time. About our son. About not having our son.
Today I have a deep yearning to see my son again. How I wish I had a picture like all mothers. I could kiss the picture, keep it next to my pillow and sleep looking at it.
I'm tired of straining my memory to recollect his face. He was so cute. Four pounds and so beautiful. Wonder how he'd look if he was here today. But he's gone. As my husband says, don't cry. He's gone and no amount of tears will bring him back now. He's gone after making us parents. Not a set of infertile couple but bereaved parents.