Thursday, June 30, 2011

Home alone tonight

I am alone in my flat tonight as my husband is been travelling. Its terribly boring to be alone. Missing my baby son very much today. Have thought over in my mind a million times already 'what if!' he was with me here today. Such a nice baby. He's been gone so long now.

My son was very quiet when he was inside me. I knew a girl as pregnant as me, at 6 months, she kept saying how much her baby kicked. Mine would hardly. I wanted to feel those kicks. My co-worker, a nice nice 45 year old man, had this habit of asking me everyday -'darling, baby kicking?' I would say 'very little'. And he would tell me 'then he's a quiet person like you'. I somehow felt proud inside that my son already received certificates for his quiet and dignified behaviour. The doctor who did my u/s at 5 months as well as around 7 months observed that usually babies moved a lot during the procedure and it was hard to measure their vitals but mine was very quiet. 'You are lucky'. He had remarked. How proud I was. I was going to have a great baby.

Sometimes I use to lie down on, put the earphones on and listen to music on my mp3. I use to then feel him move distinctly. He always move when I played music. I slept and rubbed and rubbed my tummy softly. What days they were....

I have no idea how will all this be if I get pregnant again. I really have no clue and cannot think about it.

BTW, I didn't get my period this month. Its more than a week late. My period was never late except when I got pregnant last year. Oh! I know am not pregnant this time because we hardly did 'it' this month. Moreover, I have used a HPT (I must be crazy to use it), and it was negative as expected.

I'm guessing this could be a side effect of metformin I started taking last month. I'm going to see the GYN next week. 

So again, it will be the start of the vicious cycle again. on...

Miss you baby. You have gone and taken a piece of my heart with you. It never stops aching.


  1. fingers crossed that you get your rainbow baby very soon :)

  2. Sorry to hear that the test was negative. It sucks when the period is late and you get your hopes up thinking just maybe you could actually be pregnant. Soon, I am praying real soon, that you will be prego again and have your rainbow in your arms.

  3. Thinking of you. I know it's not much, but knowing that little Vitu liked it when his mommy played music for him is a memory that you both share. I hope it's a memory that will not always be clouded with grief. Love to you~

  4. The worst thing is a missing period! We can never be sure if we are actually pregnant or its just 'late'. Well, wish you luck sweet. I hope you fall pregnant soon. You are in my prayers.

  5. Remembering your baby boy and hoping you have some gentle moments coming your way.