Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sad Life

My once happy, full-of-hopes life has taken an unimaginary turn since my son died last November. Yesterday I dreamt about my boy. It was a nicu in a hospital in a country to which I have never been to (in real life). In my dream, my son died in this nicu. There were two sets of dreams, I think. In the first set, my son was taken to this new nicu and my husband or I didn't accompany him (I don't know why). Then I saw that doctors tried a lot but my son left us. In the second set of dreams I visit this nicu to see my baby. Knowing, he's not alive anymore. Am in a new city, alone, I have horrendous time trying to locate this hospital amidst all my grief, but I find it with the help of a kind woman who decides to help me.

The doctors spend some time figuring out who my baby is. Then they do.  They place him in my hands. He is beautiful. I want to kiss him. Kiss his face. I hold him to my chest and cry. The grief trapped inside my heart flows like a river. I hold my son hard and cry - something I didn't do in real life.

When I woke up in the morning, that image where I hold my son was etched in my mind. I was shaken by the clarity of my dream.

It will be 7 months soon since my baby was born. I write to my son everyday (I have a diary) where I apologise to him now and then for not holding him after he was gone. For not seeing him. He went home from the hospital with his grandmom (my mil) while I sat like a rock 3 feet away from him without looking at him. Would my son have tried to grab my attention? Would he have said -'mamma, pick me up'? My baby son may forgive me, but I will never be able to forgive myself.

If I get another chance at motherhood, if I have another baby, I will do everything possible on this earth to give him/her a lovely life. I don't know if that will help me atone for my sin but I will try. For that, I want another chance. Another baby. Badly.

I was very saddened by Missy's news other day.

Life is sad. Really.


  1. You will get a baby. Soon. Best wishes to you. My prayers are with you.

  2. Life really is sad. I'm glad you had dreams of him and he was so beautiful. I obviously wish MORE than you had him here with you. xox

  3. You must be kind to yourself even though it's easier said than done. You did what you needed to at the time. He has already forgiven you and maybe the dream was his way of telling you so. I thank you for your kinds words. Life seems so very unfair. Love to you as you come upon 7 months~