Sunday, July 24, 2011

34 weeks

Somehow, today I'm missing my baby very much. More than the other average days. I have this tremendous urge to go back in time and bring back my baby and keep him with me. I really cannot believe today that things that happened couldn't be avoided. Or that they were meant to be.  

Tomorrow will be exactly 34 weeks since my baby son was taken away from me. Its actually more than the weeks he had stayed inside me. My most loving baby. That adorable and utterly beautiful face which I hold only in my memory.

What if am given one chance to go and get my baby back? Its a terrible terrible life to live without my sweetheart.

I know I shouldn't have taken that trip to the country (my in-laws' place), the day my water broke at 30 weeks +3 days. I wasn't willing to go, and had an arguement with my husband, but had finally accompanied him because I wanted to make him happy and those were going to be the last two days I was going to spend with him before he returned to Dubai.

It had taken me almost eight hours- from the time the water actually broke to get to the operating table. It was a series of stupid, senseless things which I don't even want to go about explaning now. All I know is that is that had I stayed in my mother's place which is in the city on that fateful day - I probably would have got some more time to keep my baby inside - some more time to get steroids for his lungs to develop - a few days delay in the c-section..I don't know. But maybe my baby would have lived.

The day my baby actually died..I know for sure that his PDA returned that day because of his heart pumping well. Which meant he was getting well, breathing nicely without oxygen - which ended like this . He becoming very sick. I know that he had fallen sick in the night or early morning of November 29th but the NICU nurse or the duty doctor hadn't noticed his difficulty for many hours.

When they eventually noticed, it was too late.

Had the NICU staff been more vigilant, had they paid more attention to my baby rather than taking him for granted, would he be alive today? I used to see the nurses taking nap during night in the adjoining room which we used for pumping milk, but I had asumed there would be someone all the time to take care of the babies. I had trusted them too much.

My baby was very ill the first 2 days of his life. His lungs wouldn't expand, and doctor had told my husband he will take off the life support if there was no change. But he had fought so well. He wanted to live. He did everything he could. Why wasn't he given a chance?

Why wasn't I given a chance to keep him with me?

I know there are no answers to these questions but just wanted to blabber them.

Love my little son more than life. Waiting for the day when I can see him again.


  1. I completely understand where you are and what you are feeling. I am so sorry that your little baby boy is not with you. I wish I could say or do something that would make it all better. Sending hugs and comforting thoughts to you.

  2. I hate the feeling that others could have helped or done more to maybe save your baby. It is very hard. I'm sorry you are having a difficult day. I'm always thinking of your little boy and hoping the future is easier on you.

  3. I wish more than anything I could go back in time also. Maybe to just have a few more days with him or try to fix something that could make the outcome different. I know that can't happen but its so hard not to think about.
    I can't believe the NICU staff was sleeping. I would have been so mad if I new that that because then you're always going to wonder if things wouldn't have ended the same. Sucks:(
    Sorry yesterday was such a rough day. I hope today is a little better.
    Thinking of you and Vitu always

  4. I have so many of those kinds of questions myself. And they play on repeat in my brain. Those what if's they will eat you up and spit you out. I hope it is at least somewhat peaceful to have gotten them out. Wishing Vitu was here in your arms and sending love your way~

  5. Little Vitu's Mom,
    I wanted to mail something to you. I wondered if you could email me your address? Okay? You can send it to lovingleiagrace at gmail