Saturday, August 6, 2011


It's almost 2:00 in the night here and am not able to sleep. One of the reasons is I had overslept in the morning today. In any case, it's terrible to be not able to sleep when you want to. Moreover, I have work tomorrow. Our weekends are Friday and Saturday.

A million things are crossing my mind. I think about my boy who is not here. I think about his last day on earth, and the time I didn't spend with him. I just miss him...terribly. I would give anything to have him with me.

I may sound like a nut but I think a lot about death tonight. How my little baby has been through it - and how am here, clueless. What happens after death? It seems like my baby son knows much more than I can imagine. He's already beyond that morbid line of control and I still continue to live in this world with no idea of what's happening on the other end. It seems strange that my baby is no more and I'm still alive.

His daddy misses him a lot these days. I think he was just quieter in the initial months because I spoke a lot then, and nowadays I don't speak much so he's gathered the courage to speak about him. He tells me how much he thinks about our little boy - that's one thought running in the background no matter what he's doing. I tell him, 'we will see him one day'. But I don't know when. Eyes are just aching though for one sight of our boy.

My new Gyn gave me a pill called letrozole that induces ovulation. I took it on the 2,3,4,5,6th day of the period. I always have fairly regular periods. Am testing daily with a stick. Today is 13th day of the cycle an I haven't ovulated yet, neither will be ovulating soon. I normally have 25 days cycle, so going by the theory I should already have ovulated but my story seems different. Anyway, I hope to continue testing until few more days.


  1. That is interesting that your husband is talking more about your baby now. It makes sense though, I also think men tend to stay in shock longer than women, at least in my case.

  2. It's hard not to wonder where our babies are now. I have thought about that a lot. What's it like where he is and what's he doing?

    Ovulation, ugh! I have had to take ovulation inducing stuff many times since mine never comes when it should. I either ovulate late or not at all. Hopefully it'll happen very soon for you. It is so nerve racking when your body doesn't cooperate.

  3. I think of him a lot too and wonder if he can see me. Normally I might find that sort of thought ridiculous, but I want him to see me doing good in his name. Thinking of you and sending love~

  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog, new friends are always welcome. I have found that the blogging community has kept me sane and helped me cope. Everything you said in "what I have learned" is sooo true, the world doesn't stop for our grief and most don't get it. Sadly my family were the ones in that "so what he was just a baby" mind frame. That's why I started my blog to show them who Jack was and that babies are people too, that no one should diminish such great loss. Your story is heartfelt and I feel for you as well. No matter what circumstances, no matter how long they were with us for before or after delivery, our children mattered greatly and changed our world. Thinking of you and Vitu and sending fertility wishes.