Thursday, July 21, 2011
I don't write much these days as I constantly feel the words are failing me - I don't know what to write.
I had a dream yesterday and want to share it. It may be confusing to read because am not good at words, or expressing them.
It began with me & my husband in the hospital and our baby was in the nicu; he was very ill and somehow we are made to believe he will not survive. And we come home and live in this feeling that we have lost our baby. But one day, am getting ready to go out somewhere - and my mother cames to me and places a beautiful baby with lots of hair who is wailing a lot and tells me - 'Your baby is crying. You cannot leave him and go out'. And am like....so shocked. There was my baby alive and kicking and I'd believed I had lost him all the time and I was living in the same house like a psycho. I want to ask my mother more questions but I decide its more important to calm the crying baby now.
So I cuddle him, rock him, speak to him - I do all that I want to do with my little Vitu..and the baby is calm now. Funny thing is..he's a little baby, but he can speak. He tells me 'momma, don't go out'. I laugh and kiss him.
We put him on the bed. My husband and I lie at his both sides on our tummies and talk to me him and love him. The last thing I remember was thinking how stupid I was and how our baby wasn't dead but with us - and it was all fine. My baby dying was a bad dream and I was ready to forget it. It was so relieveing, optimistic and a bright end to the dream.
Then immediately I woke up. It was close to 6:30 am and my husband was telling me to get up, to get ready - for the office. I told him about my dream. Everything I saw so so vivid, so clear. The dream had ended well but now I had to face the reality which is still the same. SAD.
I want a baby. To hold and cuddle and kiss and watch him grow up. Watch him grow into a young man and have his own babies and one day when I die - I want him near my bed and want to say 'bye' to him before I go.
I need a baby. I want to exeperience this love and joy not just in dreams but in my real life.