Wednesday, August 17, 2011

At 9 months

Tomorrow, 18th, is exactly 9 months since my baby was born. I cannot imagine how he would have looked had he been here now. Like me? Like his daddy? When he was 8 days old and I saw him, he looked so much like his daddy. He looked just the way I'd imagined he would look. He was picture perfect. What would he be doing if he we with me now? What do nine month old boys do? He was an early baby. Two months premature. What would my husband and I doing now with him in our arms? I will never now. Correct?

I had a very nice friend once upon a time. Trust me, we we really good friends and she lives in India. I informed her when my baby died. I didn't get a response from here. She claims she sent a SMS but I never received one. Last week, almost 9 months later, she sends me a mail wanting to check on me. I had assumed she's forgotten me totally so was surprised by the email. Also another intention of the email was to ask me how can she return some money she'd borrowed from me somewhere around 3 years ago.

I just want to know from my blm readers - is it normal to wait for 9 months to write an email to a best friend - who lost her baby. Is it normal to show utter ignorance in a situation like this and call oneself best friend. Really. Is this how a friend should behave? I don't know. I would like to know.

And just to make it clear. I was there with this friend in her problems as she were in mine. Of course she didn't have a tragedy like mine.

Nobody just knows how to deal with people who have lost their babies correct? Even friends?


  1. All I know is that some people feel so uncomfortable about babies dying that they don't know what to say. So they choose to say nothing. I'm not saying it's right,,, but it's what people do.

    I totally understand why you feel let down by this friend. The decision you need to make now is if you want to allow this person back into your life or not.

  2. I agree with New Normal. People just don't know what to say. I know that all to well since my family has never asked me about Liam and if I need to talk, and that's family. I feel like they don't care but its probably that they don't know what to say. I am sure that's how your friend feels also. Although 9 months later is ridiculous in my book. I mean she might not have known what to say but to write you now seems like she was just waiting for you to "get over it" so things could go back to the way they were before your son died. Just my opinion but you have to just decide I guess how much she means to you have her as a friend after that.

  3. Little Vitu's Mom,
    I agree with other the comments. People just don't know what to say so they say or do nothing, which hurts and stings. I think your friend is trying to reach out to you and this is the only way they know how. I've had one friend react the same as yours. I thought she would understand b/c she had a miscarriage several years ago. She has not had any children since so I think she just doesn't know what to say or do. I am sorry that your son is not here with you. I am thinking of you both. Hugs and good vibes sent your way.

  4. It is the 18th here and thinking of yourself and your Little Vitu - nine months was hard for me, I hope you find comfort in your day.

    The other commentors are right; some people just haven't got the scope of emotion to 'go there' and sit with your grief and so do the worst thing which is to ignore that fact and hope it goes away. It won't, it doesn't and the resentment starts from there.
    The question I ask myself with these situations is what sort of a friend can they be to me now - they may surprise you, they may not.

  5. I agree with all the commenters and it does sound like she was waiting for you to get over it. Most of my family and friends were like this. If you do want her back in your life, yet how she has so far reacted bothers you to much to let it go then you could ask her why she hadnt contacted you, address your feelings,tell her that saying something is better than nothing ( I have to advocate that alot these days).Hugs and fertility wishes

  6. I don't care how uncomfortable people are with it, waiting that long is unacceptable. One of my friends waited a year and that was only to re-friend me on facebook. She never said a word. Nothing. Whatever the excuse is, it doesn't take away the year of abandonment you have felt. I am so sorry for sounding harsh. It is your decision what you do or say to your friend. I just know that I was outraged with certain friends and their ignorance. Thinking of you and your little Vitu~

  7. Some people just make terrible friends. I'm sorry you don't have your sweet Vitu with you.

  8. Hey sweetie,

    I understand. My best friend had her second baby in December - a beautiful little girl. I had my baby, my first-born, my love, in Jan and she died.

    After this, I somehow have not been able to muster the courage to speak to my best friend. We are FB pals, and I can see what's up with her, and see pics of her daughter. She tried calling me but I never picked up the phone. And now, she hasn't called me in a while, and I still can't bring myself to talk to her.

    I just don't know what to do with myself and how to go back to the normal friends status. Her family building is complete. She had thyroid issues, but she was able to get pregnant and have children when she wanted.

    I had no known issues, but it took me six years to conceive, and just three days to lose my precious precious daughter.

    It hurts.