Monday, August 22, 2011

Some unbearable days

If you see me these days - you will not have the slightest inkling of what's going on inside me. I would come across as a perfect person. I go to work. Talk to people. Hit my deadlines. I'm a perfectly normal person and there's nothing wrong with me.

But a raging ball of fire. Am so angry with everyone and everything that caused me to lose my baby. With all the stupid, heartless people who told the most insensitive things to me after my baby died. With those who deliberately chose to distance from me - because am the momma of a dead baby. Am so angry with all the crap.

There are days when i'm particulary angry with my husband. And his family. They were the ones who forced me to take that trip to the country the day my water broke. I can never never forget having that quarrel with my husband that morning - and he finally getting me to agree to go with him. What if he hadn't quarreled with me? What if I hadn't relented, had taken a stand and refused to accompany him? I must have had some sort of intuition that day right? That's why I was not willing to go. Why did I change my mind? Why did I go? If I'd stayed back in the city that day, I could have got quick medical assistance and maybe things would be different.

That was the day I went anywhere with my alive, kicking baby. I did leave the house with him but when I returned, I returned empty. My baby went straight to the burial ground and our story together ended there.

The reason I have these fights with my husband is because there's no one else against whom I can vent this anger. The nicu staff on the dady my baby actually died. I know they are in a way responsible for the death of an otherwise healthy baby on the path to recovery. But I can't scream at those moroons now right? Its only my husband who I have now.

Don't ask me how my husband is taking me. He's very upset with me and when I say such things like 'had you not quarreled with me that day our baby would have been atill alive', he becomes very agitated. My husband is the only one I have got. Literally. I have some family here in Dubai but they are all namesake now, after our tragedy. For example, my husband's sister stayes in this country but we haven't received a call from her in over six months. She never called me once after my baby died but she hasn't even called her brother for so many months now!

I have no one to talk and vent to. No One. I just wrote in my last post how my closest friend treated me. So I just have this poor guy called husband and that's it.

Soemtime I worry that am going to go mad. I feel like calling up his family in India or my own family and then just scream at them for letting this happen to me. I had travelled to their homes to have my baby. I had gone on a maternity break. But the only thing that happens is that my baby dies. I go there, dump my baby and return here like a fool.

Am so angry that I want to poke into the eyes of all those who stand up in front of me and say the most insensitive things when they themselves have not the slightest idea of how it feels to lose a baby and remain empty handed.

I hate myself that am going through this. Everyone I know in real life has got to keep their little ones. Why not just me? What's my fault?


  1. I completely understand your anger. It's not fair that our babies died and we didn't get to take them home. It's not fair at all.

    Sadly it's our reality though and we have a find a way to carry on without them. The one thing I will say is to remember that your husband lost his baby too. Even if he's not sharing his feelings with you, he's just as devastated as you are.

    Try to be gentle with him and with yourself. After all, you may have lost your baby, but you still have each other.

  2. I'm so sorry you're feeling angry right now. It's a normal stage of grief. Sadly, anger can't change anything which really sucks.

  3. I know its really hard not to play the what ifs with your husband but he is not to blame, sometimes because they dont always show grief like we do it makes us even angrier. Its good your letting it out on the blog, I find it can really help when you have to keep everything together and hidden in your daily life.

  4. I'm so sorry - I do understand the rage, the anger, the hurt - everything. All I can say is that one day, the anger will not be so intense. I don't know how or when, but it will. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and your husband. You are both grieving and this is the hardest thing you will endure in your lifetime. The lows are so damned low. I hope you have some gentler moments coming your way.

  5. We always take it out on the one we love the most... I'm sorry you're having some hard days. thinking of you. xox

  6. I definitely know that feeling like I am going crazy. And it is easiest to take it out on the ones nearest to us. I wish for easier days for you and a relenting of all the pain. Love to you and little Vitu~

  7. I have felt so many times like I was going to go mad. I don't think your alone in that.
    It's also hard to not want to blame someone, especially your husband. As others mentioned, at least you have him still and also that he lost his son too.
    Also sorry to hear that family is still being so cold toward you guys. I don't know why they have to be like that. Mine call me on occasion but still don't acknowledge Liam and don't want to hear about it if I'm having a hard day. So dumb:(
    I hope things get better for you.
    Thinking about you and baby Vitu...

  8. Hi, I found your blog through LJ's, and I am saddened and feeling like I wish I could help you somehow. You are so far away from me however, so I am here for you posting a comment of support and love.

    I feel your pain and anger in your post.

    I too blamed my husband for our sons death and yet I knew if I told him it would be something I couldn't take back...

    I have friends in Dubai, and friends who have moved here (to Canada) from Dubai, and I believe that dead babies are just not discussed. There is very little support, so I am here for you, to hold you up or listen...what ever you need.

    imrutherford at gmail dot com

  9. Sweetie, be gentle on yourself. I don't care about your in-laws and your SIL appears very insensitive, but your hubby is the closest person, the one who made the beautiful baby with you.

    Oh how I wish you had won the arguement and not gone on that trip. But also remember that he would possibly never have second-guessed anything wrong or would have done something to hurt the baby.

    Love him. Go for therapy. Forgive him.

    Please take care of yourself.

    I have found a lot of release in blogging. Write about your emotions, it will help you.