Monday, August 22, 2011
Some unbearable days
If you see me these days - you will not have the slightest inkling of what's going on inside me. I would come across as a perfect person. I go to work. Talk to people. Hit my deadlines. I'm a perfectly normal person and there's nothing wrong with me.
But inside..am a raging ball of fire. Am so angry with everyone and everything that caused me to lose my baby. With all the stupid, heartless people who told the most insensitive things to me after my baby died. With those who deliberately chose to distance from me - because am the momma of a dead baby. Am so angry with all the crap.
There are days when i'm particulary angry with my husband. And his family. They were the ones who forced me to take that trip to the country the day my water broke. I can never never forget having that quarrel with my husband that morning - and he finally getting me to agree to go with him. What if he hadn't quarreled with me? What if I hadn't relented, had taken a stand and refused to accompany him? I must have had some sort of intuition that day right? That's why I was not willing to go. Why did I change my mind? Why did I go? If I'd stayed back in the city that day, I could have got quick medical assistance and maybe things would be different.
That was the day I went anywhere with my alive, kicking baby. I did leave the house with him but when I returned, I returned empty. My baby went straight to the burial ground and our story together ended there.
The reason I have these fights with my husband is because there's no one else against whom I can vent this anger. The nicu staff on the dady my baby actually died. I know they are in a way responsible for the death of an otherwise healthy baby on the path to recovery. But I can't scream at those moroons now right? Its only my husband who I have now.
Don't ask me how my husband is taking me. He's very upset with me and when I say such things like 'had you not quarreled with me that day our baby would have been atill alive', he becomes very agitated. My husband is the only one I have got. Literally. I have some family here in Dubai but they are all namesake now, after our tragedy. For example, my husband's sister stayes in this country but we haven't received a call from her in over six months. She never called me once after my baby died but she hasn't even called her brother for so many months now!
I have no one to talk and vent to. No One. I just wrote in my last post how my closest friend treated me. So I just have this poor guy called husband and that's it.
Soemtime I worry that am going to go mad. I feel like calling up his family in India or my own family and then just scream at them for letting this happen to me. I had travelled to their homes to have my baby. I had gone on a maternity break. But the only thing that happens is that my baby dies. I go there, dump my baby and return here like a fool.
Am so angry that I want to poke into the eyes of all those who stand up in front of me and say the most insensitive things when they themselves have not the slightest idea of how it feels to lose a baby and remain empty handed.
I hate myself that am going through this. Everyone I know in real life has got to keep their little ones. Why not just me? What's my fault?