Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Dark Monday

On November 29, a Monday, my baby died.

Precisely nine months ago.

When I woke up today, my mind was clogged with  images of a little baby boy trying to walk around the house with unsteady steps, balancing himself against the bed frame and trying to say somthing to his mommy and daddy...

The unsteady barefooted steps made soft noises which would make me turn and keep looking at him. He wore nothing but a circlet of silver fastened on his waist. Its a traditional ornament worn by babies which the grandmothers believe wards off the evil eye. He refused to wear any other clothing today, repeatedly taking off the outfit I put on him. I guess its a tradition in my family. My mother used to say that my brother who is three years younger to me refused to put on a shirt or a pair of shorts until he was almost 2 years old. She had to force him into wearing something when she took him outside the house, but otherwise, when at home, he was content wearing nothing.

I have an x-ray film of my son taken on the day he died. I cannot make much sense out of it. I cannot see the PDA or whatever caused him to die but I can see the partial outline of his face. His chin. The film was focussing on his heart so they didn't manage to get his face fully.

But I can tell you he was a beautiful baby.

I want to thank everyone who writes comments for me. It really feels good to know someone's listening to me.

Another thought that came to my mind is that maybe I should go to counselling. We will be going to a infertility speacialist in September. But am guessing that will be like opening a new can of worms. You know, last year in early May we hadn't got pregnant after months of trying, so I called this same specialist and got an appointment; but I got the news that I were expecting before we actually went to that appointment. I hadn't believed my luck then. I told my husband that it was too good be true. Well, that part turned out to be right afterall. It was all too good to be true indeed.

Since we don't have grief counsellors here (thats what I believe), I'm planning to go see a Psychaitrist.

Does anyone has any suggestions?


  1. I bet he was beautiful. And so missed. I'm sorry he's not here, doing all the things he should be. It's not fair.

  2. No real suggestions, but with my experience with counselors is just to be picky. If they aren't meeting your needs, ditch them. I have been with bad counselors/psychiatrits before and no one should ever tell you that you need to forget your son or make you feel bad about missing him, ever.
    I hope everything works out.

  3. I'm sure Vitu was a beautiful boy. I bet it was hard to dream of him, and know it's not real. :(

    Oh how I wish it were real.

  4. Sometimes I have woken parallels where I am doing one thing, but envisioning what I would doing at that moment if he were alive. I would love to meet him in a dream, but I rarely ever remember them so I guess I will take the woken ones. I love visiting with my therapist. She is does not specialize in grief. She listens and rarely talks. I just get to unload for a whole hour and feel a little lighter when I'm done. If I have a totally un-rational thought she will tell me, but most of the time she tells me what I feel is okay. I hope for the best for you in your counselor search and specialist visit as well.

  5. I have those day dreams visions too. Like Missy mostly during the day, I dont remember the night dreams so much except for the bad ones, they always seem to linger. I hope you find a counselor and I am still on the search as well. I actually have a lot of daydreams of Jack running around the house naked with me chasing him down trying to put clothes on him. I am sure Vitu was a very handsome little fellow.

  6. Yes, I have the scans the mundane reports, everything.

    The ped was ever so kind to list down on a separate piece of paper everything that happened to my baby.

    And when I read it, I can't believe how wrong things can turn, and still can't for the life of me understand why it had to happen.

    Go for some counselling, yes. The grief is unbearable, and our relationships also take a toll.


  7. I know your little boy was beautiful. I have not been on much but just checked your site today. I read your story about your dream. The funny thing is that I had a dream last night about my Leia. In the dream family members and I were holding her. Then it went to me in the hospital with her and I was watching her sleep. I woke up at peace and felt like I had spent some time with my little girl.

    I recommend counseling. It helps. I went to a psychiatrist who wanted to put me on meds so I never went back to her. Found another grief counselor and she is great. I was seeing weekly, then went to two times a month and now this month I am starting to go monthly. It really helps to talk with someone in confidence and having the specific time to know you will do this. I hope you can find someone that you are comfortable with.

    Hugs and thinking of you.