Sunday, August 28, 2011
The Dark Monday
On November 29, a Monday, my baby died.
Precisely nine months ago.
When I woke up today, my mind was clogged with images of a little baby boy trying to walk around the house with unsteady steps, balancing himself against the bed frame and trying to say somthing to his mommy and daddy...
The unsteady barefooted steps made soft noises which would make me turn and keep looking at him. He wore nothing but a circlet of silver fastened on his waist. Its a traditional ornament worn by babies which the grandmothers believe wards off the evil eye. He refused to wear any other clothing today, repeatedly taking off the outfit I put on him. I guess its a tradition in my family. My mother used to say that my brother who is three years younger to me refused to put on a shirt or a pair of shorts until he was almost 2 years old. She had to force him into wearing something when she took him outside the house, but otherwise, when at home, he was content wearing nothing.
I have an x-ray film of my son taken on the day he died. I cannot make much sense out of it. I cannot see the PDA or whatever caused him to die but I can see the partial outline of his face. His chin. The film was focussing on his heart so they didn't manage to get his face fully.
But I can tell you he was a beautiful baby.
I want to thank everyone who writes comments for me. It really feels good to know someone's listening to me.
Another thought that came to my mind is that maybe I should go to counselling. We will be going to a infertility speacialist in September. But am guessing that will be like opening a new can of worms. You know, last year in early May we hadn't got pregnant after months of trying, so I called this same specialist and got an appointment; but I got the news that I were expecting before we actually went to that appointment. I hadn't believed my luck then. I told my husband that it was too good be true. Well, that part turned out to be right afterall. It was all too good to be true indeed.
Since we don't have grief counsellors here (thats what I believe), I'm planning to go see a Psychaitrist.
Does anyone has any suggestions?