Sunday, November 20, 2011

I want to find some rays of light

Am a bit depressed since past few days. I lived through my baby's birthday trying to go on, waiting for the day to get over..which mom would wait for her son's birthday to just get over?

I did. That kind of woman i am. My heart is broken like glass and sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I just don't feel it...

On Saturday, my parents arrived here. They are visiting us for a short period. The only news they brought with them was the death of a close uncle. He had gone missing from his sister's home 10 days ago where he stayed because he was never married. He had multiple health issues like weak kidneys which needed frequent dialysis and had retired recently from his job. The family registered a missing complaint with police. Three days after he went missing, his body was found floating in the river, 10 miles from where he lived. He had apparently thrown himself into the river on the same day he was discovered to be missing and his body was washed away in the downstream current and found by some fishermen at a place 10 miles away. He had to be recognized by the shirt he had worn.

I have never spoken about my family much in this blog, but I have to admit that my extended family is quite a nut case. I'm not just deeply saddened by my uncle sad, sad death but am appalled by the circumstances that forced him to take his own life. He was not mentally ill or something. True, his health was bad. But what forced him to kill himself was the obvious lack of empathy and care from people whom he had cared for in his better days. He felt so unwanted that he decided to end it all. I couldn't sleep all night yesterday and I kept thinking about my uncle's dying thoughts..what must have been going on in his mind before he took the last plunge..

Today I returned from work. I don't know what gotten into me, but I opened FB. Two people's profiles interested me. A friend with whom I have absolutely not been touch with since my baby died, had posted pictures of her baby. The baby looked almost an year old and they had gone on a trip to South Africa. I wondered how could she have an year old boy baby, because as far as I know, she wasn't pregnant last year ( when I was). I did some more probing, located pics of the newborn baby, checked the date of congratulatory messages..OMG! The baby was born in June this year, and it looks so big!

In that case, my son would have looked like a teenager no?

Another profile I saw was of a long lost friend from college. She is not on my list of FB friends but her profile was flashing as a mutual friend. She stood there smiling in her profile pic with an almost adolescent looking girl. Her daughter must be at least 6 or 7 years old.

Honestly, am depressed by all the things. I may sound weird, but every glance of what other have reminds me of what I could also have had, but now just don't.

It's depressing and the thing is I don't want to be depressed. I know I will not be getting over my uncle's death for a long time, but I don't want to be depressed by what I see in stupid FB. I know, I should stop looking at FB, but now that I already have, and have brought on myself this wave of depression, is there any way to escape this?

And now, I may have not even gone for my first u/s scan, and I don't know where I stand, but am severely worried and depressed that something could go wrong terribly this time too. And I will be left behind again, left to pick up the pieces, like last time. I get somewhere, and then lose it all and start from scratch again..

I really don't want to think like this. I want to look forward for things. Believe that my husband I too will be happy some day. I want to help myself, but as of now, I just don't know how.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. It's hard to understand the reasons why people chose to take their own lives, but it's unfortunate he did not receive the support he needed.

    I try to take things a day at a time. It's sometimes all I can manage. But it seems to be working.

  2. I'm sorry about your uncle's passing.

    I know it's hard to believe that we'll ever have living children - sometimes I just fake it anyway, though.

    Take care of yourself <3

  3. I am so sorry for the loss of your Uncle. I know how it feels with the FB thing and that we just cant help but look. Sending well wishes.xo

  4. Sorry to hear about your uncle.
    FB still gets to me on occassion, but I can handle it a little better now. Well except when I see people complain about there kids on there.

    As far as your comment on my blog asking
    "But why do you think taking extra folic acid is bad?" I don't think taking extra folic acid is bad, maybe I worded that wrong. I have been taking extra folic acid because my dr. told me it would make my babies spine strong and help prevent a recurrence of spina bifida. I just have a hard time wondering if Liam had spina bifida from lack of folic acid or if it was just a fluke.

  5. Today I just saw that some one new started following my blog ('Rajan's Cottage'). The word 'little vittu's mom' attracted me,I clicked and right now I am here. On the first outset thanks for following my blog.

    I could feel your pain of losing a baby, as we also passed through that agony. This pain will not cease easily, as the order of death has changed. It is the worst thing for a parent to lose their child during their life time. Please read my post on the loss of my dearest son, to understand the gravity of the loss and intensity of our grief:

    I never thought this could happen to me -losing a handsome well educated and well mannered son in an accident created by his friend. Even today my wife is passing sleepless nights and I know as a mother she is the worst affected.

    But still we are crawling to come out and live on our own. We could do this by diverting on many ways - spiritual, service oriented, hobby oriented etc etc..sometimes keeping ourselves engaged in worthless cleaning activities also gives some solace and diversion.

    I could understand your pain, anger helplessnes and despair in losing the child. My wife is also like that. Words of comfort are useless and sometimes they do negative act. Many times we preferred silence as a healer.

    Please be positive and don't lose hope. I am sure a new life will come to you soon in the form of a healthy baby with blessed longivity..all the best!