Friday, May 27, 2011

I need to thank you

Thank you for all the comments. I cannot express how much I'm thankful to this blog and the kindness of people who read and comment. 

I don't know one person in real life who is a combination of infertility+first baby loss+c-section ... The only people I know who fall in this horrible horrible segment are YOU. Really. I don't have anyone in real life who has gone through/going through what I'm now. Which is actually good (for the normal functioning of the world?) but it leaves me no one to seek advice from but this blog.

I wanted to ask you sweet mommas: does your c-section scar hurt sometimes? Mine does. Slightly. Generally when I do cough, it hurts. I told my OB who performed my c-section about this a few months ago and she told me that could be because I'm concentrating too much on it. In normal scenario (where people have a baby to take care of after c-section), there's a distraction.

My scar hurts a little still. I asked this question once on Inspire (a premie support group), where many mommas said they feel little pain there even after an year.

In other news, I met a co-worker in office whom I knew when I were pregnant. He had just returned after a long vacation (in India) because his project had been stalled and has taken off again now. I also knew this person in another capacity - he used to be a member of our community gatherings in Dubai. He knows my husband and my other family (mainly my H's side of family whose here).

Now, I met him in office yesterday and went to him and said 'hi'. He asked me with a smile 'when did you return from your vacation?'. I had met him in one of the parties couple of weeks before I left for my "vacation". So probably he remembers. I normally never tell people my story because I'm scared of their lack of empathy. But when they ask this question, what am I supposed to do?

So I told him -"my baby passed away. So I retuned in Jan". (I accept I didn't say it in a dramatic voice. I didn't cry when I said this. I said this in my natural sad voice. Only my heart knows how sad I am)

He ignored what I said, continued smiling and said something about his job or some crap, which I didn't register. I thought maybe this guy didn't hear what I just said so I made an attempt to explain how my baby died in a few sentences.

But this guy is in a completely different world and is talking about his own thing. He asked something about how my H's brother in law is. (Because I believe he is friends with him). At that moment I thought it'd make more sense  to rather ask 'how my H is' because its he whose baby has died.

I quickly ended the conversation after that and returned to my desk and promised myself to never see this guy's face again.

But am appalled by the fact that I'm acquainted with or keep coming across such people.

Something is wrong with me, surely.


  1. I would be beyond furious if someone just ignored my baby like that guy did to you. Totally disgusting of him. Nothing is wrong with you!

  2. Wow that guy was really insensitive:(
    The area below my c-section on the right side has hurt in the past and when I asked my Ob she said that is was probably caused by my organs shifting back into place and also that when you have abdomainal surgery tissue gets stuck together so when it separates in can hurt also. I also still have numb skin around my incision.
    Hope this helps!

  3. There is nothing wrong with you. He is a jerk. Tonight at my job the director was here to interact with the minions as he does once in a blue moon. My coworker was asking me if I were afraid he would come talk to me. I said no. I know he will not. How can you be so sure? I left that unanswered. But the truth is I am the dead baby mom. No one who doesn't have to outside of work related topics will just begin a conversation with me. It's awkward and uncomfortable for them (uh what about me?) It truly sucks that people make it all about them, but that is our reality. I wish you did not have to have that experience at all. I get little twinges of pain in the scar every now and again. I don't quite remember when that mostly subsided. It may sound gross, but I still have pressure in my bladder when I urinate. I've told the OB and they said this is normal because they have to move the bladder out of the way to get the baby out. It totally freaks me out how many off my inner pieces they messed with down there. Strength to you as you keep returning to work and hopefully not dealing with insensitive people. Little Vitu deserves some respect!

  4. My c-section scar doesn't hurt,,, but it's been 9 months. I can remember it bothering me a bit earlier on, especially if I was wearing tight fitting clothing.

  5. I'm so sorry that your colleague and coworker was like that, dismissing what you said. In my opinion there is no excuse for behavior like that. He was just plain wrong for doing that to you. Even if he didn't know what else to say he could have at least said that. As for the question about your c-section, I had a vaginal delivery but I have had some minor pain in my stomach area. I guess things in general have been moved around or changed somewhat. I remember when I was pregnant and my dental hygienist told me that if I could get a c-section that I should b/c having my baby the other way would "change" things. Maybe down the road I will have noticed more of a change but I really for the most part feel back to normal physically. I've even lost some weight since going back to work and hope to be able to continue doing that steadily. Thinking of you and a big hug to you.

  6. Dear Vittu's Mom,

    I just wanted to give you a big hug and say all the right words to you in person. Instead, I will say it here and try to comfort you as best as I can. I lost my baby last January and all the things you wrote here made so much sense to me. You wrote things I saw, experienced, felt and went through for last 4.5 months since I lost my daughter.

    Can I tell you a secret? There are two types of mothers in this world, one who has her baby in her arm and other do not. Unfortunately, you and I both fall in the second category. Interestingly enough, people are scared of talking about death and loss of life. I have tried talking to friends, mostly female and relatives about my loss. The kind of response I got was very much similar to yours. Many of my friends and family members tried to console me, but their response just didn't fit in. Even my own mother in law's response didn't quite add up to the kind of emptiness I feel right inside my very core. I have come to this understanding that it will never be possible for them to apprehend my feeling even 1% and I try not to blame them. They are the lucky ones and I hope that you and I both will fall into the first category very soon.

    I kept on crying reading of your plans to fly back with your baby and mother. I made so many plans with my baby in the center of it all. Just like you, it did hurt when my EDD finally arrived. She came 3 weeks ago and went only after 7 days. Why did she come to go away so soon? I wish, I could realize, but this question will never be solved for neither me nor you. It hurt, when I came back to work. When I was supposed to be home nursing my baby, I came back to cruel reality and couldn't help but notice, it just didn't feel right anymore. Although, I will admit, it did help a lot to get out in the world again doing meaningful works. Even then, this emptiness stays and once in a while, I am spotted taking a long deep breath looking lost.

    What more can I say you, my dear? I hope and pray for the same things you do too. Someday, I wish to see my daughter all smiling and running towards me with open arms. I hope, Allah will grant me that. Until then, life is at this weird transition period, where I have to wait for my next opportunity to have another baby.

    All the love in the world for YOU and VITTU. Take care.

  7. My c-section scar doesn't hurt anymore, but like Becky said above I have some numbness and I get the occasional pain off to one side, usually after moving awkwardly or something.

    I can't believe that man acted that way. Well, actually I can, but it's so wrong. Thinking of you.

  8. Oh honey, I am so sorry that the colleague was such an insensitive and completely zoned out person. I will tell you something though - people just do not know how to swallow these kind of things. His behaviour is just as horrible as those aunties we meet who have stupid stupid things to say.

    My C-Section happened this January. And the area around my stitches is still sore. Make sure you are not lifting heavy objects or straining too much. My OB said that I must not lift heavy objects for atleast six months. Also, if you can find some pure aloe vera gel, that kind of 'cools' the area. Rub it very gently in circular motion on the scar.

    I am so sorry that people like you and me fall in this baby loss club. It is a horrible place to be in.

    I was the first one in my office history to join back before the maternity leave was over, and it feels awful. There was a male colleague that I got along with very well. Since I have joined, we talk but he has never even once asked about how I am or what happened to the baby or nothing. He has just decided to overlook it. And I am fine with it. I was hurt. I wanted him to talk about it, but I realized he does not have the depth to think of it.

    Please take care of yourself. And allow yourself the space to grieve.

    Take Care!


  9. Some people can be so insensitive. In a way its good he changed the subject instead of making a stupid comment like "its ok"...what an idiot.

  10. Unfortunately there are too many people like that out there like that emotionally inept guy...they are just so uncomfortable with anything real..they just can't deal, they just need to stay in the superficiality of life. I feel sad for them.

    My scar is ok, but still kind of red. Doesn't hurt though...

    Be gentle with yourself. I know it's easy to feel like you are the only one on the planet going through all that you are, but you are not alone.